Home to You
by noisy96
Summary: After Alex returns from WPP, she and Olivia embark on a rough relationship only for it to end abruptly. Who will Liv turn to now
1. Chapter 1

Home to You

I sigh as I enter my office early on Monday morning. It's the last time I will come into this particular office and I am convinced I won't miss it but I'm not too sure about the future. I've been waiting to hear from Jack McCoy about my next assignment and it could pretty much be anything. I turn on my ipod and then open my desk drawer and start emptying the the contents into a cardboard box.

Several boxes later and there isn't anything left to put into the current half filled box. All of my relevant files are boxed and really shouldn't be any cause for concern in the future. Appeals has been fairly boring but a much needed break after my failed attempt at Bureau Chief. It's been 2 years since I left that division and I didn't look back. But to be honest, I haven't looked back on much since returning from WPP.

I catch my phone as it vibrates off my desk and manage to answer it without dropping it, "Cabot."

"Alex, it's Jack. I have something for you but I don't know how you're going to feel about it. Kim Greylek has been called back to the Justice Department. Can you catch her cases for the next few weeks?"

I notice the wall clock hasn't made it into my box and I walk across the office and take it off the wall before asking, "What division has she been covering?" I'm putting the clock into the box before I hear him begin his answer.

"She's been working with SVU. I know you said you didn't want to go back there but I could use you there. The detectives could use you there. They have fought tooth and nail with Greylek and they could use a familiar face."

I want to but I don't. I sit in the deskchair but I don't have any words. I'm lost in a moment from years ago, a memory of seeing a dark SUV barreling toward me on the street and gunfire erupting. I have so many great memories of my days prosecuting sex crimes but that night changed so much for me. I had such a great working relationship with the 1-6 but that one night still haunts my nightmares. It changed everything about who I am.

"Alex, I don't have anybody to fill in for right now. Give it a week or two. It's temporary. If you don't want it long term, you don't have to take it. I just need you right now," he nearly begs of me.

"Okay, until you can find somebody else," comes out of my mouth without me realizing I've spoken. Why did I agree to this?

"Thanks Alex, I owe you. Your next assignment is whatever you want."

Before ending the call, I manage to say, "I'm requesting your job." I've been avoiding my former co-workers for three years. I miss them but I barely think of them anymore. About once a month, I catch myself ducking into a stairwell in the courthouse to avoid Detective Benson. I nearly walked into her one day a few months back but she was preoccupied and didn't see me. We were only a few feet apart from one another.

I haven't seen Detectives Stabler or Munch but I did eat lunch with Fin last year. It was by accident that I bumped into him. I was lost in thought when I walked into my favorite deli and I didn't even notice him come in behind me. He was directly behind me in line. After I ordered, he spoke to me. We ended up sitting together and catching up a little. It was awkward but I couldn't walk away from him. He did promise to never mention it to the others after he informed me of how much I had hurt them.

After my boxes have all been moved to my temporary office one floor higher, McCoy texts me about meeting the detectives at a crime scene. I call Cragen and he says he wants me to ride over with him. I wait in front of One Hogan Place until Cragen arrives.

It's been a long day of more depraved parts of humanity. It's just another day on the job but some days, I hate my job. This is one of them. A child molester has been murdered. The monster becomes the victim. We are waiting for the captain who has asked us to take a moment. So, we are just outside standing around waiting for whatever the captain is wanting.

I see him off in the distance and El comes to stand near me. I can feel him just as much as see him out of the corner of my eye. He's just as amazed as I am to see a blond walking with Captain Cragen. She's so familiar but it can't be true. I hear Munch quietly say, "No way, that can't be." But it is, it's Alex.

I hear myself say her name but I'm incapable of coherent thoughts and words. I'm stunned. The last time I saw her was in a courtroom three years ago. That day was the last time she willingly spoke to me and it was the day I thought my heart had been ripped from my chest.

We make it through the crime scene and my brain has slowly come around. I can't believe she is here but if I don't think about her I will be able to function. She's trying to stay seperate from us and for now, I'm letting her. I don't have much to say to her yet, at least nothing I can say in front of the guys.

After we finish with the crime scene, Elliot and I ride back to the 16th. I know he's thinking about her and I know I am too. He's quiet in this supportive way but I know he wants to ask me how I'm feeling. I fake being strong really well but he can always figure out when I'm not so strong. He turns on the radio when I don't speak and then reaches over and pats my shoulder as he eases through traffic. I lean my head against the window and let him take me wherever.

I know it shook her up to see me. It shook me up to hear her voice. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I try to remember what her voice sounded like before everything had went insane. We weren't intimate. We were something though. Before my time in WPP, we spent plenty of time together away from work. I don't think either of us were rushing to define anything. There were plenty of dinner dates and hand holding. I loved her. I don't know how she felt about me but I loved her. It was just awkward because I had never been with a woman. I had never thought I could be attracted to women until I met her.

I remember how nervous I felt around her and find myself smiling. She seemed so sure of herself all of the time, until the first time we were alone together away from work. She had promised me dinner after I fought to get her a case changing warrant. She was making good on her promise and showed up at my office around 7pm a few days later. I don't remember where we went, only how she wouldn't speak on the ride. She stammered throughout dinner and I found myself confused and frustrated because she never acted like that around me.

By the time she paid the bill, I was almost aggravated with her. Normally, we spoke nonstop and that night I couldn't get her to say more than one word responses. I remember asking her if she was angry about promising the dinner. She was cute when she was apologizing. She was tripping over her words and then I realized she was nervous. As she drove me back to my car at the office, I was busy trying to figure out what about me would cause her to be so nervous. We were friends and colleagues and she had never been anything but confident and almost cocky.

That night ended in the car park for the One Hogan. She pulled up behind my BMW and before I got out, I hugged her. I don't know what came over me but I made sure my mouth was close to her ear and whispered, "Thanks for dinner, Detective." When I pulled away, she was blushing but smiling also.

That was how we started dating. We were going slow because of my inexperience with women. She told me shortly after that night that she was bisexual. She laughed when I told her I was possibly confused. I did fall in love with her, we just never spent the night together. She was ok with slow.

Yesterday, seeing Alex was too much for me. I'm stronger today. It's funny to say but Melinda met up with me and gave me a shoulder. She knew back then. She saw more than anybody in the few times she saw Alex and I together. Melinda is such a constant for me, kind of like a big sister, except we are the same age. But she does fill a sisterly role for me.

Today, I'm armed. I'm armed with anger and resentment. That's what I need to deal with her on the "temporary basis" as she referred to her role with us. We don't need her around. I don't need her. I keep telling myself that as I walk into the squad room Tuesday morning. I feel good, I look good and I'm fine without Alex.

I fix my coffee and take a seat at my desk. Elliot and Fin aren't in yet. Munch is sitting at his desk reading a newspaper and Cragen is in his office. When he looks up and sees me, he motions for me to come in his office. I'm reluctant because I know what, make that whom, he wants to talk about.

"Hey, Cap," I say walking in and doing my best to look upbeat. "What have we got today?"

"We have a previously dead ADA who has reappeared after ignoring you for a few years. That's what we have. Is this going to be a bigger problem for you than what I think it is?"

"Sir, I'm not sure what,"

"Olivia, don't play with me," he interrupts, "I know you two were close and I saw your face yesterday. You probably would've looked less surprised if Donald Trump was standing with me. You didn't expect it and neither did I. Are you ok?"

I didn't have a dad growing up. My coworkers know this. Donald Cragen is the only father figure I've ever had. He's watched me grow from a rookie detective into a seasoned veteran. He's watched my failures and victories. He's coached me and scolded me. He's one of the few men in my life that I trust with my life. Those other men I trust are in my unit also, but Captain Cragen is the closest thing to a father that I've ever had. I can't lie to him, well, I can try but it rarely works out well,

"Captain, I'm going to do my best. She didn't contact me for a reason. I don't know what it was but I know she had her reasons. I can deal with it. It's not that big of a deal."

He looks at my skeptically and nods, "I expect you will let me know if there is any kind of problem. And if you need anything, talk to somebody. I'm here for you, just remember that."

I walk out feeling a little flustered. My earlier pep talk seems useless now. All I can think about is how devastated I was for months. How I waited for her for over a year after she returned. I remember what it felt like to see her engagement in the paper. I remember driving to her apartment and the doorman letting me in. I remember standing outside her door and hearing her laughing at something a man was saying. I couldn't make out the words but it felt like a slap in the face. I remember enough to be angry instead of hurt.

I'm return to my desk just in time to hear it, Alex Cabot's heels. I don't look up, I don't even want to see her yet. But, there she is and she takes up her old spot, leaning against my desk. I'm still not looking up at her. I'm being stubborn and I'm very aware of it. She shifts against my desk and I still resist the urge. I'm not even willing to speak to her yet. I just want to remain as professional as possible. I won't look, I won't look.

"Detective Benson, could I have word with you?" I'm still not looking. I mumble, "sure go ahead."

"In private, I thought maybe on the way for coffee."

I don't want to go anywhere with her. I don't want to go outside at all. I glance up and say, "Munch made coffee earlier, there's still some in the pot." I don't watch her reaction. I don't look up again. I do notice her move to the coffee pot and begin to make a cup.

Elliot walk in as she's stirring in the cream and sugar. He sits at his desk and gives me a questioning look. I shrug and go back to the DD5 I was working on a moment before. Cabot comes back to my desk and resumes her leaning. She isn't saying anything and now I feel my face turning red. I know Munch and Stabler are waiting to see what happens between us.

Alex clears her throat and says, "Detective, may I have a word in private?" She's louder this time and I know the guys here her. I don't say anything but move away from my desk and stand. I don't look directly at her. I walk around the desk and stand close to where she is and just wait for her to lead the way.


	2. Chapter 2

_**This is my first story. I hope it's ok, I'm just enjoying writing it.**_

Chapter 2

Olivia

She has led me into an interrogation room and once we're inside, closes the door. Now, I'm furious. I don't want to be in here with her. Nor do I care about much she has to say. I lean against the wall and she remains standing. This is the only time I've looked directly at her since she came in this morning. I don't care about her short skirt or the legs she's showing off. I don't care about the odd expression on her face. I don't even care about how she looks like she may cry at any moment. I doubt she will so I just cross my arms and wait.

"Olivia, I wanted to speak to you but I honestly don't know what to say right now. I want to apologize for not returning your calls a few years ago but I need you to understand where I was during that time."

"In New York, apparently." I didn't mean to say it, it slipped out and it sounded so bitter.

"Yes, I was in New York. I was trying to piece my life together again. It's hard to explain but I didn't feel like me. Not like the person you knew. It was frustrating and I didn't want to show my face around her. I didn't want the pity or the questions."

She is hugging herself. I know it had to be hard but she had all of this time. She could have done this before now, before being assigned to prosecute our cases. Now, it feels forced. I just don't want to hear it.

"Counselor, it's fine. I'm sure you were getting around to visiting us and McCoy just made it happen a little sooner. Maybe your social calendar was a little full with your promotion and the engagement. Got any little Cabots running around?" Yep, I'm definitely sounding bitter.

"Liv, please," she pleads, "I was very confused during that time."

I push myself off the wall as I uncross my arms. The first few steps take me toward her but then I sidestep around her and say, "Save it, Counselor. I don't need any explanation nor do I want one."

I walk out of the interrogation room and find the stairwell. I climb onto the roof of the building and the cool breeze feels welcome. I sit on the lone chair that lives near the door. A smoker's haven. The roof is littered with cigarette butts and bits of paper. I sit with my head in my hands for several minutes until I hear a familiar voice.

"I guess she got to you, huh." Elliot leans against the doorjamb next to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder and says, "I never thought I would see the day where Cabot might be close to tears. She wasn't even that upset when she left with Hammond to go to WPP."

I look up at him and give a half-smile. I almost feel victorious but I lived through plenty of nights of frustration and tears before she came back and even more afterwards. I remember them so vividly. I even left after the engagement announcement. I needed to get away because it hurt so much knowing she was close and could visit or speak to me but chose not to do anything. It hurt knowing I had put my life on hold for her and she was moving on without me. So, one little episode of her near tears doesn't make me feel any vindication.

Later

The day passes in a blur with no more appearances from Alex. It's fine with me. I know she has her reasons. I know it must have been hard but she got to come back. I don't know she chose to turn away from what we had. I was devastated when she left but I understood. I wanted her safe. I just don't understand why she couldn't answer the phone.

Elliot leaves the squad room to bring his car around so we can go out for a drink. He knows almost everything about my time with Alex. He may have been fighting with her all of the time but he was cheering me on months before that dinner. When I walk out of the 16th, I see him waiting right in front of the building and find myself smiling for the first time since yesterday.

The bar is quiet when we arrive. There aren't many people here because it's Tuesday. El and I take seats at the bar and he asks me quietly, "Do you think she will be around for long?" I signal the bartender and then eye my partner, "Who knows. She didn't come back to work with us so she probably will run as soon as she gets the chance."

Elliot orders a round of some local beer for us. His knowledge of obscure local beer is impressive. I prefer wine but I love it when we drink beer together because he has always found some new flavor. My knowledge of beer doesn't extend past Bud Light and draft beer.

Our time out together ends after three beers. He has a family to get home to and I'm in no hurry to leave. The place has more customers than before and most of the tables are occupied now. I don't want to keep sitting so I make my way to the pool tables to watch for a little bit. I normally don't deal with strangers in bars but I'm feeling a little brazen tonight. That and this woman keeps watching me and smiling. I walk over to her and notice her short blond hair and honey colored eyes. She stands when I'm in front of her table and gestures for me to sit.

"Hi, I'm Amber," she says giving me flirtatious smile. I take the seat next to her and give my best smile and say, "I'm Liv." I know I shouldn't be sitting with her and I realize I'm getting a little more than buzzed but I don't get up. The waitress brings me another of those local beers and before I know it, I'm a little drunk. I haven't paid much attention to anything Amber has said in the past hour or so, I'm only wanting to take her home.

When I realize it's nearly 11pm and I have to work in the morning, I smile sweetly at Amber and ask, "Are you coming to my house or am I sleeping at yours?" I haven't tried to pick up a woman in over 5 years. She's up and moving toward the door while holding my hand.

Her apartment is smaller than mine. I notice a picture of a man and woman as I walk past but it doesn't even register that Amber is the woman in the photo with the man. In retrospect, I should've noticed the wedding dress. I'm blaming that on the alcohol. I'm also blaming the married woman taking me to the apartment she shares with her husband on the alcohol. But, I'm doing this and I don't care.

Amber is pulling my shirt over my head and I'm trying desperately to kick off my boots. She's kissing me before my shirt can hit the ground. The buttons on her shirt are a little complicated for me in my drunken state. She pushes my hands away and begins unbuttoning the blouse herself. I'm sliding my jeans over my hips and before I can get them to the ground, she's taking off my bra. She starts kissing me and pushes me onto the bed. She's pushing her hand into my underwear and I'm moaning. It's been too long and I'm exploding around her fingers before I'm even undressed.

She begins to tug at my panties and I raise my body to help her. Once they're off, she latches on to one nipple before kissing her way down my stomach. The second her mouth reaches my folds, I'm already grabbing her head as another orgasm rips through my body.

When my breathing returns to something like normal, I hear a man clear his throat. I look up and see the man I think may have been in the photo. He isn't approaching or really watching. Amber scrambles off of me and begins grabbing my clothes off the ground. I can barely function but I'm trying to get dressed as fast as possible.

"Liv, please hurry," she pleads. "I know this wasn't what you were expecting but I love my husband. I just couldn't help myself tonight."

Once dressed, I walk out of her bedroom and see him sitting on the couch in the living area. He is just staring up at the ceiling and I find my way out of the place before he notices me in the room. I call a cab from the lobby of the building.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Alex

I've been settling back into the swing of prosecuting sex files with as little contact as possible. I know Olivia has every right to be angry but I don't have the energy to justify myself to her. I know she looks at this like I ignored her out of general apathy. She doesn't realize the depression I went through. She doesn't know about the sleepless nights and fear. I stayed in my apartment without leaving for nearly two months. I was petrified of going outdoors. I was convinced I was still in danger.

When I first left my home, it was to see her but I lost my nerve. I didn't want to show her how scared and needy I had become. I ended up taking a cab to the DA's office and spent some time with McCoy. That was when he gave me the job. I still think he did it out of pity. I couldn't practice law then, my license hadn't been reinstated yet. I wasn't really qualified but I couldn't sit at home forever. For the most part, nobody even noticed I had returned. Olivia's calls had stopped and those were really the only ones I had received, except for Uncle Bill.

Therapy helped. I didn't think it would but McCoy asked me to go. At first, I didn't. Then he made it a condition of my employment. I went. My therapist, Lisa, listens and when nobody seems to care, she does. I realize I pay her to care but I lost so many friends while I was gone. The few women I did associate with had married and had children. They moved on with their lives. So, I come here when I need to talk. I come to therapy.

"Alex, you seem preoccupied today. How are things at work?" She always starts with work.

"It's ok, I guess. Just getting readjusted to my new role. Nothing really exciting." I'm avoiding what is going to come out no matter what I do.

"So, what department are you working with now?" Lisa is watching me and I'm doing my best not to give any indicators of my discomfort. She finds them though, she almost always does.

"I was reassigned to prosecute for Special Victims last week," I realize as soon as I say it that I didn't say enough. I should've elaborated or smiled or something.

"Is this the division you worked with when you became a target?"

I nod and give a forced smile. She looks down at my file in front of her and turns back a several pages. I know she is remembering something I've mentioned but wants to double check. When she looks up at me, I see her expression change.

"So, you are in the middle of everything you wanted to avoid. How are you holding up?"

"I'm really ok with everything. I thought it would be harder. I was pretty nervous but it's been pretty quiet for the most part," I tell her this and it's true. It has been very quiet.

"Whatever happened to the detective you dated before being placed in the program?"

"She's still there."

"You haven't spoken to her before now, have you?"

"I saw her a couple times."

"And in those times, did she see you? Did you two speak to one another?"

This is where it gets hard. I want to tell her things with Olivia are fine and we've spoken and it's all good. It just doesn't help to lie.

"I saw her, I just never had the courage to talk to her. I thought she wouldn't want to speak to me anymore."

"Why wouldn't she want to speak to you?"

"Because I came back confused and scared. I didn't know how to be me anymore. I wasn't even sure who I was supposed to be. Who wants to deal with all of that?" My question is rhetorical so I'm not expecting it when she answers.

"Somebody who cares about you would. People who genuinely care for one another help one another in times of crisis."

"I intended to speak to her. I did. At first, I was too afraid and later, too much time had passed. I didn't want to reappear out of the blue and disrupt anything in her life."

"How is she dealing with you being there now?"

"She looked like she had seen a ghost at first. I tried to talk to her. I asked her to walk to a coffee shop with me. She suggested I just get a cup of their coffee and that stuff wasn't meant to be consumed. I tried to talk to her but she put up a wall."

"What did you say to her during that time?"

"Before she said she didn't want an explanation, I told her I was upset. I told her I wasn't sure I knew who I was." It sounds so fake when I'm telling Lisa this.

"Alex, many people say those same things everyday to people they care about. Those are generic excuses. Did you say more than that?"

"I didn't have enough time to say much else. She's angry. She must think I married Robert because she asked if any little Cabots were running around. I guess that was probably the last thing she heard about me."

Lisa closes my file quietly and turns to look out the window. She sighs and turns back to me. I'm watching her and I realize she can't give me an angle to fix this mess. She can only let me talk my way through it and point out my deluded errors.

"Are you going to talk to her again?"

"I'm not sure I should keep trying. Maybe I should just wait until she cools off a little more and then talk to her. I don't know. I want to make this a decent work environment but it's temporary. In a few weeks, I will be gone. It won't even matter."

"Do you remember what started the end of your relationship with Robert? I saw it in the file a few moments ago." She looks at me expectantly. She knows the truth here so I can't lie.

"I talk in my sleep. I had a dream I was finally home and she was there. Robert heard me say, 'I love you, Olivia' and started asking questions. He couldn't let the idea of me ever caring for a woman go," I tell her as I remember the dream of Olivia holding me.

"Our time is finished but I want you to think about something. You said you will be gone and it won't matter. Do you believe that? Don't answer now. Think about the engagement and why it ended. Really think."

I get up to leave and I feel more confused than when I sat down. She doesn't let me skate by on half truths and bs. She makes me face the truth at every turn but today, I just don't know what to do. I could work with Olivia as things are but it wouldn't work for long. We will end up blowing up at each other. I could try to patch things up with her for the sake of making work easier but she may never accept me as a friend. Anything other than that is just too much to hope for.

Olivia

I wake to yet another hangover. Sleeping on my couch has never been a pleasant experience but I couldn't make it to my bed last night. I've never been into the bar scene but lately I'm a regular. It's been two weeks since Alex reappeared and I've probably been to a bar every night when I wasn't catching. I know I smell like alcohol some mornings but nobody has said anything. The guys know this is hard for me. I'm sure their patience is nearly gone but I just don't know what to do.

I don't have to work today so I'm not too worried about the hangover. I'm mainly aggravated that I'm still dressed and wide awake. Daylight hasn't quite reached the sky yet. Since I'm awake, I grab a bottle of water out of my nearly empty refrigerator and leave my apartment. If I'm going to be awake this early, I'm going to Central Park to watch a little bit of the sunrise.

I sit on a park bench just as the sky turns pink with shadows all around me. I don't see anybody around and I attribute this to the fairly cool weather of the last few days. Momentarily, I find myself thinking I should move away from the city. Buy a farm or some land so I can watch the sun rising every morning. I snicker when I try to imagine feeding chickens or milking cows. I'm definitely not moving outside of the 5 burroughs.

I sit for awhile longer, enjoying the brisk air and the early morning smells. Finally, I stand with the intention of leaving when I see a red piece of cloth in the bushes about 50 feet away. Really, I just want this to be part of a jacket with no occupant or a kids lost clothing. I find myself walking toward the red cloth and as I get closer, I see hair. When I reach the hair and red cloth, I realize I'm not looking at a lost doll or any other lost item. I'm looking at a young girl. She was maybe 5 or 6 years old and very blue. I check for signs of life and find none.

I call the precinct to alert them. Within moments, I see a squad car with lights flashing. As the young officer exits the car, I wave him over to the bushes. He and his partner ask for my ID and I badge them. It's barely 7:15.

Warner arrives within 15 minutes of my initial call. Cragen follows with Elliot a few minutes later. El walks over to me and says, "Liv, what brought you to the park this early. It was your day off."

"I just woke up and thought I'd come watch the sunrise. I was leaving when I saw part of her jacket."

Warner walks over to us and gives a half-hearted smile. This area has turned into a small circus and she tells me, "I estimate her time of death between midnight and 2am. She suffered. I know you probably couldn't see much but from what I've seen, she was put through sheer hell."

I follow her back to the body and then I see the cuts. When I first saw her, I couldn't see anymore than her face and part of her jacket. She has cuts across her torso. Her jacket is soaked in her blood. I see scrapes and cuts across her hands. I notice she isn't wearing any pants and there are more cuts along her little legs. I just stand in front of this little murdered girl silently vowing to make her killer pay.

Cragen has been walking around looking at the bushes for any evidence. He stops his search and meets me and Elliot by the body. He shakes he head and I can see the sadness in his eyes. It goes without saying, child killers are the absolute worst. Dead children bring this hopeless feeling.

"So, what have we got?" Alex has just approached and I never saw her coming. I've heard her ask that same question so many times. I just drop my eyes and begin the normal crime scene rundown.

"Dead female. Age estimated at 6 years old. Cause of death was exsanguination due to various cuts. No identification has been found thus far. The M.E. puts her death between midnight and 2," I manage to say this without looking at her.

"Any witnesses so far?" She asks me and I can tell she knows there weren't.

"I'm the closest thing. I found her."

"Has anybody had a moment to check if any kids have been reported missing?"

"Not yet, Counselor. Elliot and I are about to head back to the station and start checking. So far though, we haven't heard about any."

"Keep me updated, Detective."

Elliot and I leave Cragen and Cabot standing at the crime scene. We won't know an age for sure until the autopsy is complete. My day off ended when I saw the little girls jacket. For now, we can start checking missing persons reports from last night and match up pictures from older ones. This part is tedious but without the effort, we would never get results.

The station is busy when we walk in. That isn't unusual. Monday for most people is the slow starting point for the week. Mondays in law enforcement mean more people to investigate crimes that occurred over the weekend. Monday can be one of the busiest work days for our line of work.

I follow Elliot to his desk and sit in the chair next to the desk. He boots his computer and after it is finished starting, we start reading missing persons reports. I get up after a few moments to fix us both a cup of coffee. We work through the online files for about 10 minutes before we find one who could possibly belong to this little girl. But time moves slowly during this time. We can't know anything for sure without autopsy results. We need those for finger prints and dental impressions.

 _ **This is all I could manage tonight. Have work tomorrow and need more sleep. Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate all of the encouragement. Every time an e-mail comes saying I have a follower or a new review, I'm like a little kid on Christmas.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Alex

"It's been 8 days since Olivia found little Sarah Hawkins in the park. Every morning since, there has been another body found in Manhattan. Same M.O. for each murder except Sarah was the only child. Each were sexually assaulted and slashed. Each body has been dumped in seemingly random places. All have been female.

I'm at the precinct with takeout. I bought each of the SVU detectives a spaghetti plate from Mario's, my favorite Italian restaurant in the immediate area. I brought in all of these plates and garlic bread as somewhat of a peace offering to all of the detectives. Even with everything going on, I'm still getting the cold shoulder from most of them.

For the most part it hasn't been too bad with them. Well, half is bad. Munch is okay with me. He just accepts that I'm here and makes jokes about me disappearing at any second. Fin is cool, I guess he's just himself. He kind of understands my absence but doesn't say much. I know he forgave me a long time ago. Stabler doesn't say much to me at all. I'm pretty sure he does that out of loyalty to Olivia. He's not rude and doesn't throw anything in my face, I just think he's trying not to get involved. Captain Cragen is just as professional as ever. He has asked how the transition is going and he's offered to take Liv aside and talk to her if things get too hostile between us.

Olivia, on the other hand, one minute she will speak to me and the next she's angry. I know she's tired and frustrated with the case. I know this case is just pushing everything between us onto the back burner. She will speak to me about the case but I don't push at all. Her case needs her focus right now.

The guys seem to smell the food before I can make it to Stabler's desk to set it all down. I smile as Munch proposes to me. It's not the first time he has after I've brought food. I don't see Olivia anywhere and our plates are the only ones left. I don't want to bother her if she's busy but I know these guys don't eat right when they're dealing with a case like this. I wander over to the soda machine and get a diet cola while hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I don't see her anywhere.

I walk over to Munch and ask quietly, "I brought dinner for everybody but I haven't seen Detective Benson. Do you know where she is?"

He doesn't even look up and mumbles, "the roof probably."

"Counselor, I could go get her. I know she doesn't want to miss out on this meal," Fin offers.

"Please, Fin, eat. I can go up and get her."

My footsteps echo in the stairwell and I'm trying not to be too loud. I know she used to go up there when things were getting to her but I've only been up there a few times. I feel shaky as I reach the small landing just inside of the doorway. I don't know what mood she will be in and I don't want to catch her in angry mode. I don't want to leave her out either so I push the door open.

It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust to the night but I can make her out just barely. I walk out slowly. She's sitting in a chair just a few feet from the ledge. Unless she is asleep sitting there she must know she isn't alone. She doesn't turn toward me and she shows no reaction to the sudden light from the doorway. I walk toward her and hear her sniffling. My tissues are in my purse on Stabler's desk.

"Liv," I say it almost like a question. We haven't spoken with any privacy since the interrogation room a few weeks ago.

She doesn't move at first and I put my hand on her shoulder. She really doesn't show any reaction to my touch either and I'm not sure what to do. I kneel down next to her and begin rubbing her back. I've never thought I look particularly beautiful when I cry but she does. We stay like this for a few moments, me just kneeling next to her and rubbing circles on her back. I don't know what the rules for comforting a woman when she's too angry to be in a room with me.

After what feels like forever, I put my arms around her and just pull her to me. She cries into my shoulder for a minute or so before pulling away. She only shakes her head and swipes away the last few tears. Once she stands, I know this moment is over. I'm not asking for any explanations only accepting the brief contact and wishing it was more.

"Detective, there's spaghetti and garlic bread from Mario's downstairs if the guys haven't finished it for us. I only wanted to let you know before it gets cold."

"Thank you," she says it quietly. "I just needed a minute to myself. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to the guys."

"If they ever ask, I will tell them you were trying to hit cars with cigarette butts."

She gives me a shy smile and we both turn toward the door. She stops just shy of the doorway. "Alex, I just want to get through this case. Afterwards, I want us to have a conversation. I don't want to get into it now, I just want to understand a little more than I do now."

And just like that, she walks through the doorway. I stand for a moment collecting my thoughts. She isn't unreasonable, she's human.

Olivia

Each day the killer isn't caught means another dead body. Each day we don't catch him is like we are causing a death. I feel so inept. Almost like I'm causing these deaths because I can't figure out who or why. My squad hasn't even been able to figure out how he picks his victims. One child, one prostitute, two professionals, three working class women and one stay at home mother.

The stress is getting to me but I've been trying hard not to show it. I don't try to collect my thoughts or destress around the guys. I don't go into the crib when I'm upset like this. I always go to the roof. My partner has seen me get teary eyed before. I'm pretty sure he doesn't judge me for getting emotional at times. I just don't care to have them know I'm emotional because they get awkward.

I've been here on the roof for about 15 minutes. I came up here to clear my head but the past few days of frustration combined with lack of sleep helped me have an ugly little pity party followed by tears. I don't ever plan to cry but I can always feel it somewhere deep down. I wasn't expecting anybody to look for me. Maybe the captain because he does worry about me quite frequently. I thought he was on the roof with me. I was a little too upset to care who it was. When Alex spoke, I was surprised.

I didn't really care that she was with me. I didn't feel any anger toward her. She put her arms around me and I felt loved. That isn't a common feeling for me. Elliot says she loves me. He's told me that several times. Fin says I'm being too hard on her. Munch says I should enjoy her while she's here because the government could take her back at any given moment. He has also said she may be working for the CIA so I don't pay him any attention.

I do feel bad about the way I treated her. I realize that when her arms are around me. I've consistently been an ass to her. I've been rude, petty, and hateful. I don't say anything to her, only finish my crying jag. When I pull away from her, I realize I miss that contact with her. I miss our friendship. I miss the days when I could call her during a case and tell her all of the awful details. In those days, she would let me vent for however long I needed without ever interrupting me.

"Detective, there's spaghetti and garlic bread from Mario's downstairs if the guys haven't finished it for us. I only wanted to let you know before it gets cold."

I wonder if she realizes Mario's is my favorite Italian place. I don't even know if she remembers going there on our second date. I just thank her. I want to ask if she remembers those days the way I do but I don't want her to tell me that time was some mistake during a particularly confusing time in her life.

She makes a joke when I ask her not to tell the guys what I was doing. That was sweet. I tell her what Elliot has been asking me to tell her. That I'd like to talk. I need to understand. I want to understand. Otherwise, this is going to kill me. I walked around thinking she hated me but she shows up wanting to talk and explain things. I'm just so confused about all of this.

 _ **I know this was short but I had a long day and then everybody wanted to go play after work. Will post another chapter tomorrow. Thanks for the reviews and the follows.**_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Olivia

The squad is exhausted. We have all worked round the clock since that morning. After Alex brought dinner earlier, Elliot and I took a 4 hour break in the crib. Munch and Fin took the first 4 hour shift patrolling along with squad cars. Detectives from all over Manhattan are volunteering to patrol in hopes of blindly finding our perp. All of the radio units are avoiding unnecessary stops tonight. Mainly, they are looking for suspicious activity. Since we don't have more to go on than the profile Dr. Huang gave us 2 days ago, we are just hoping.

I think profiling is pretty cool. I respect what Dr. Huang does but sometimes it doesn't help. Like now, we don't have one suspect but we know our suspect hates women. We also know he is likely a shift worker who has an average paying job. He has probably been emasculated by a female who played a significant role in his development. The profile says he is most likely a white male between 30 and 35 years old. It's amazing when I can interview a subject and see where the profile fits. More times than not, he's right. Some days, I wish the profile would name the responsible party.

Cases like these make me question my abilities. I don't ever tell Elliot but I'm sure he has the same doubts. I know I'm good at what I do. I make a difference in people's lives. I help victims find a voice and face the monsters in their lives. I love the impact I have. I do. I hate seeing people at their most vulnerable. There are times when somebody calls me later to say thank you and tell me about their life. Those moments make all of the sleepless nights and lost weekends worthwhile. I just worry when we have a case like this. I worry we, as a team, have met our match. I worry this is the guy who won't stop.

Tonight, it's a fairly nice night. Elliot is driving for the first half and it really feels like we are just cruising around Manhattan. We have a deal with the radio, driver chooses the station. We are listening to 80's rock, not my favorite but it's his. Traffic isn't that thick at this hour and we seem to see a patrol car at least every time we turn a corner. Part of me hopes this will work as a deterrent and one less life is lost tonight but part of me hopes we can catch him despite our heavy presence.

Elliot hasn't said much since we left the station. He's usually quiet when we work like this. He's worried. He usually gets quiet when he worries. I don't know how he can do this job with his family. I'm sure it changed him. His wife is always upset with the hours he works and he is missing his kids growing up. I don't think I could do it if I had a family. I do believe he stays because he wants to make the world a safer place for his daughters.

"Liv, did she corner you earlier?" It's funny that he asks about Alex while I'm thinking about his personal motivations and how they influence his career.

"We spoke. I didn't think she would remember the roof is my hiding spot."

"You gonna let her off the hook?"

"I don't know what I'm doing with her, El. She was so important to me but I don't think forgiving and forgetting is possible."

"She's sorry, Liv. She made a mistake and she knows it. She can't change what she did and she's very aware of it. I know I keep giving you my opinion when you haven't asked. All that happened between you is the past. Let it stay there."

I look at my partner and slowly shake my head, "El, our relationship was also in the past. I just don't want to think about it right now."

I decide to distract him and begin telling him about my one night stand with Amber. It makes him laugh when I say I heard the voice clearing. I'm not promiscuous at all and even when I try, it doesn't work. We are laughing about my disaster when I notice a white male in a ball cap helping a woman walk down the block. The woman seems barely able to hold herself up but there aren't any bars or restaurants on this block, only office buildings.

"El, stop. I want to see where they're going."

He pulls up alongside a curb and cuts the lights. We watch in silence as the man begins almost dragging the woman. She doesn't seem to be a willing participant. She keeps trying to turn away from him but she loses her footing with each attempt. I call out on my portable for another unmarked car. Two different cars respond saying they are in route and one patrol cars calls saying he is one the opposite side of the block and will park there.

We both climb out of the car and start walking toward the pair. The man happens to look over his shoulder and smiles when sees us approaching him. He stops walking and the woman nearly falls.

I make sure he can see my badge on my belt as Elliot and I approach. This man has no real reaction to us other than smiling. The woman he's trying to hold against him begins pushing his hands away from her but he hangs on tighter. I'm guessing we are about 40 feet away from him and he's still standing there.

"Sir, we're detectives with Manhattan SVU. Could we have a quick word with you?" Elliot is taking the lead here. I just keep walking and watching.

"Yes, sir. What can I help you with?" This man seems too calm.

"I'm Detective Stabler and this is my partner, Detective Benson. Is your companion feeling ok?"

"I'm sorry, sir. She had a little too much to drink earlier. She's not good at handling her liquor."

"And your name sir?"

"Ben. Ben Andrews. This is my girlfriend, Stacy."

"Sir, where was she when she was drinking?"

"A few blocks over. We just had wine with dinner. She will be okay when I get her home."

I take a few steps closer because this woman is not in control of her body. She still hasn't spoke to us. When I'm standing directly in front of them, I ask him, "Mr. Andrews, could you let go of Stacy for a moment? I'd like to speak with her."

Our backup is now 15 feet behind Andrews. Andrews just gives me an odd look and asks, "Have I done something wrong, Detective?"

"Sir could you let go of your girlfriend?"

Andrews gives me a defiant look and says, "No officer, if I let go of her she will fall."

One of the other detectives, I think his name is Green, walks up and pulls the woman away from him. She's nearly unconscious but manages to mumble, "Don't know him."

Andrews takes off running across the street and nearly gets hit by a car. My weapon is drawn and I'm right behind him running. Elliot is calling out on his portable. The second detective, Harris, passes me and is closing in on Andrews. Andrews cuts back across the street and begins heading north, the same direction he was going when we first saw him.

This guy is fast. Harris is probably 10 feet from him but I feel like I'm running through quick sand. I'm not getting any closer. We cover 3 blocks pretty quickly. I feel like my lungs are about to burst. Just before Andrews makes it to another intersection, Harris launches himself through the air. Harris collides with Andrews and both men go down. Elliot and I reach the fighting pile and begin pulling Andrews away from Harris. We keep him on the ground and I begin cuffing him while El keeps him down.

The patrol car pulls up at this moment and two officers jump out with guns drawn. Once Andrews is cuffed, one of the officers drags him to his feet and starts a quick pat search. He stops at the man's waist band and raises Andrew's shirt tail. Andrews has a small pistol in a holster inside of his waist band. When the pistol is removed from the holster and secured, Andrews wallet is removed from his back pocket.

I take the wallet and pull out his ID. I verify his name and take note of the address listed. One patrolman moves Andrews toward the patrol car and the other opens the back door of the patrol car. Andrews is placed in the backseat. Elliot instructs the officer to take him to the 16th and the car is gone.

We walk back to Detective Green. He has sat Stacy on the sidewalk and she's using a light pole to hold her upper body off the ground. He advises us that a bus is in route for her.

Once the ambulance arrives and takes Stacy to the hospital, Elliot and I just stand still for a moment. Neither of us are sure if we've caught the guy we were looking for but we have stopped something bad from happening.

 _ **That's all I have for tonight. It's funny that I spent 2 hours typing this chapter but it will probably be a 5 second read. Hope ya'll enjoy it. I have definitely learned that I should always review the stories I like.**_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Alex

I woke up earlier to a phone call from Cragen saying a suspect was in custody and everybody was safe. I wandered around my apartment debating on going to the station and decided to since I was already awake. I did change out of my pajamas since tank tops and sleep pants would probably draw the wrong attention. Seriously, I almost forgot. I've been so stressed with this case and the worry added to Greylek's cases. I've been playing catch up since I started. And then add personal stuff into the equation. It feels like too much some days.

I drive to the precinct because I have a morbid curiosity about the man who may be committing all of the murders. It's just after 3 am and it doesn't take long to get there. I call inside and Fin comes out to my car. He gives me a tired smile and we walk in together. The only words spoken were greetings until we hit the threshold.

"Cabot, it isn't him. I'm sure of it. This guy is a hot mess but not a murderer. He drugged that girl in his office, he admitted that a few minutes ago. He planned on raping her but was too worried about getting caught by coworkers. He was going to take her home. He says he was just taking her home. His car was a block from where he was caught. Liv said there weren't any knives around. No rope and CSU didn't find any traces of blood."

"Who is interviewing him?"

"Stabler and Munch. Liv went back to the hospital to check on the vic. She was hit with a little too much Rohypnol. I think she will be back here soon but the vic will probably be out for a little bit."

He leads me to the interrogation room. Cragen is watching through the two way glass. He sees me and just shakes his head. I begin watching in silence as Stabler and Munch are asking about the roofies. The suspect has tears coming down his face. Munch takes the lead and Stabler steps back for a moment. Whatever he says to the suspect causes him to lower his head and cry harder.

Cragen taps on the glass and both men join us in the hall. They look so frustrated. I feel sad for them because if this isn't the perp, the long days will continue.

"Stabler give me a quick run down," I say quickly.

"Counselor, Ben Andrews is admitting to the roofies. He drugged that woman with the intention of raping her. He had a loaded pistol but no permit for it. There was no type of rape kit in the car, only more rohypnol. He freely admits to everything tonight but when I asked for whereabouts for the past few nights, he has an alibi for two of those nights. A work conference in Texas."

I feel so frustrated for them. I nod and walk toward the door of the interrogation room. Captain Cragen follows me inside. Andrews is holding his head in his shackled hands. I hear him sobbing quietly and I think he's a pathetic pile of crap. He's already openly spoken about his crimes so I'm going to offer him a deal for a signed confession.

"Mr. Andrews, I'm ADA Cabot. I've been speaking to Detectives Stabler and Munch. The DA's office is willing to offer you a deal at this time in exchange for a signed confession. Does this sound like something you would be interested in at this time?"

He sniffs and says, "Do I need a lawyer? I don't know if I should speak to you."

"Sir, you have a right to counsel. That's your option. I can offer you a deal for your confession that the detectives already recorded. I just need it in writing. "

"Ok, but what's the deal?"

"You're looking at several felonies: facilitating a sex offense, possession of a controlled substance, unlawful imprisonment and criminal use of a firearm. I'm willing to drop the unlawful imprisonment and run all sentences concurrent. I'm offering 9 years with 5 years probation. You will be eligible for parole after 5 years. I want full allocution and you will attend therapy upon release."

"Okay. I just need a pen." Cragen hands him a pen and I leave the room. They didn't get the guy they wanted most but managed to catch another one instead. The night isn't a waste and a full confession is always easier to deal with.

Stabler and I walk out to his desk together. He gives me a half-hearted smile and says, "We caught the bad guy, just not the right one. I'm not sorry for catching this one but I wish I had the other one."

"Detective Stabler, you and Detective Benson prevented a woman from being raped tonight. There may be another body found but there will be one less woman waking up tomorrow and realizing she has been violated. Tomorrow when she wakes in that hospital room, she will be told several things about what happened. She may not realize it right away but you are a hero. You and Detective Benson saved that woman."

Stabler is cute when he's sheepish, which he is right now. He just nods and gives me an embarrassed smile. Olivia walks in the precinct at that moment. She looks at us and sadly asks, "So, it wasn't our guy?"

"Liv," I say, "I was just telling your partner that he may not be the one you were looking for but he is the one you found. Don't focus on what didn't happen because there is one woman who is going to be so grateful to the both of you for finding Andrews."

"Thanks Alex."

Olivia

I was so excited to think we had found the rapist but when Fin called me at the hospital, I nearly fell apart. Why can't we get a lead on this guy. The doctors couldn't perform a rape kit without a consenting victim but they will try when she wakes. There weren't any visible signs of trauma when she was undressed and placed in a hospital gown. Stacy Lawrence is one lucky lady today.

When I get back to the precinct, Alex is talking to El. She seems to be one a roll and gives me a little motivational speech. It's kind of out of character for her but I'm not complaining. It's a lot nicer than being ordered to go catch the right perp. I do believe Alex is going soft.

Cragen approaches us and announces, "Detectives you are off until tomorrow morning. I want you to go home and be back tomorrow. You will be rested and showered when you return. You will not do any work or even check in during the next 24 hours. If there is a break in the case you will be notified. Fin and Munch will receive the same treatment tomorrow."

I respond to the order by saying, "Captain, I can stay. Let Munch or Fin go home tonight."

"Olivia, we're doing this in teams. Munch and Fin will be getting as much rest as possible during the day today and will get their day off tomorrow. This was their idea and they volunteered to work today."

I walk to my desk and grabs my house keys out of a drawer. Stabler is throwing his suit jacket on and putting his files in a drawer. Cragen walks to the coffee machine and starts a new pot. Elliot is accepting this order pretty well, he's already walking toward the exit before I have my desk cleared.

Alex seems to be waiting for something and doesn't really move until I walk toward the door. She follows me out and I look at her out of the corner of my eye. Once outside she asks me, "Detective would you like a ride home?"

I accept. I don't like cabs when it's really late or when I'm really tired. The cabbies always seem to either stare at me or want to talk. I'm not in the mood for small talk with a stranger or for trying to stay awake while some strange man stares at me.

We walk to the garage in silence. She unlocks the car when we are about 5 feet away and I climb inside of her car. She backs up and I think I'm dozing before we're on the street. I'm drifting from sleep to barely conscious as she drives. I'm very aware of her but I can't even hold my eyes open.

"Liv, wake up." Alex is releasing my seatbelt for me when I open my eyes again. We are stopped and I feel so disoriented. I open the door and then realize I'm about to get tangled in the seatbelt. I extricate myself from it slowly and pat her knee. She gives me a smile and says, "You're welcome, Liv. See you tomorrow."

I just nod and walk to my apartment building. I don't stop to take a shower or eat. I go straight to my room and strip off my clothes. I climb into my bed. For a brief moment my mind wakes up and I debate the shower. Before I can even stand, my eyes begin to slam shut again. This bed has never felt better.

 _ **Thanks again for the reviews, follows and favorites. I still haven't figured out how to wrap the case. I'm not wanting to offer up any Liv/Alex romance until after he's caught. I just think everybody is too busy at the moment.**_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Alex

After dropping Olivia off, I went home. I figured my work day was beginning soon so I just showered and dressed for work. I like my pencil skirts for work but I find it's a little easier to do slacks when I'm not going to court. I only have 2 arraignments in the afternoon and I'm spending my day at the precinct so I went with slacks. I'm not trying to give the sex offenders and Munch too much of a show.

Cragen has loaned me a desk for the duration of this case. I want to be on hand whenever this guy is caught. I want to make sure everything is by the book. SVU has some of the best detectives but sometimes small details can get overlooked when they're tired or too excited. I lug in my laptop bag and briefcase and find my workspace.

SVU is probably the best unit when it comes to stuff like this. No other precinct is so willing to make space available for an ADA. Most of the precincts get too nervous with any attorneys around. I set up all of my stuff at the desk and begin working. I'm pretty glad Andrews signed a confession this morning.

I don't see Cragen, Fin, or Munch for at least 30 minutes and I start to wonder where they may be. I pick up my purse to check for texts and realize I've had 2 missed calls and received 4 texts. My ringer is off. I realize I never turned it on after leaving the interrogation room earlier. Both calls are from Cragen's cell. I check the only voicemail he left. The texts are from Munch and give me an address that is only 5 blocks away and let me know there is another body. The texts arrived within the past 15 minutes so I just send back an on my way message. I push everything into desk drawers, grab my purse and leave as fast as I can.

CSU is working the crime scene when I arrive. Another woman, a blond, is sprawled in an alley. This is the 9th body. She only dressed from the waist up. She has so many cuts on her lower body. The general lack of blood around the body says she wasn't killed here. Warner is speaking with Fin and Munch. Cragen waves me over and says, "Somebody saw him, Alex. We have a witness this time."

"Where is the witness?"

"He's speaking with a couple uniforms inside of the store," Cragen gestures toward the building in front of us and adds, "He was stopping in for a cup of coffee and saw a man run past him. He looked in the alley and saw her. His name is David Warren and he got a good look at this hump."

"Please tell me this store had some type of working surveillance system," I plead. So far, every body dump has been away from any working cameras. One building had a camera but didn't actually record anything. The owners only displayed it on a monitor behind the register.

Cragen nods. "They had one at the corner pointing at the door. There was another pointing at the street and a third inside that only views inside the store. The store owner says there were several robberies here last year. They stopped after the cameras were installed. Hopefully, the perp was caught by one of the cameras."

Fin makes his way to us. He gives me a smile and says, "Maybe we can get this thing wrapped up before the sleeping beauties wake from their naps."

Moments later, a uniformed officer approaches Fin. They speak quietly for a moment. Fin starts to follow the officer but stops and calls out, "We need to go inside. We need to see the video." We all follow Fin to find out what new revelation will be made.

One of the CSU techs is sitting with a 40ish black male. The man seems shaken but says, "I saw him on the video, Detective. I saw that sick bastard." There is a monitor in front of this man and I see a white male on the screen. The CSU tech has the same image on a laptop screen. It's been enlarged enough to show he's wearing thin frame glasses. He, also, looks amazingly thin and fairly tall.

"It's like I told the detective, he's tall. I'm 5'10 and he was at least a head taller than me. He was skinny like he was anorexic. His hair is dark brown. I don't know what color his eyes were. He got into a car. The camera showed that much. I'm pretty sure it was blue. You can see on the video an Chevy Impala."

The CSU tech forwards the video to the car. It does look like an Impala. I see the odd little shape on the rear back window. Impalas have those but I don't know if any other vehicle does. Munch smiles and says, "I'm pretty sure that is an Impala. Did you get a plate number?"

The tech shakes his head no but then says, "We may have something better. The owner says this guy comes in fairly often. He's in his office looking for a receipt. This guy uses his debit card here and was in here last night at closing. The receipt will list his name."

Moments later the manager rushes in with a few pieces of paper in his hand. He pushes them into Fin's hand and says, "I can't be sure which one is the right one but I know it's one of these. They're from the last 3 customers from yesterday. Each of them paid with debit cards."

Fin looks at the receipts and smiles. "Hey Captain, I'm going to go run these names and get the basic descriptions. I doubt each of these men will fit the description."

I love this part of the investigation. I really do. The moments when the detectives put a name and face to the perp is exciting. In these moments, the detectives don't look tired and overworked. They no longer seem sluggish.

Olivia

I wake up around noon because I'm starving. I haven't eaten since the spaghetti last night. I walk through my apartment and when I reach my refrigerator, I just groan. I don't have any food except stale bread and spoiled milk. I have a few eggs but they were outdated a while ago. I throw all of the old food out. I decide on a shower instead of lunch. It's honestly been days since I came home for more than an hour. Usually I only shower and change clothes while I'm here during a big case.

After showering, I make my way down the street to the nearest grocery store. I'm not buying much because everything I do buy today could be spoiled by the time I come home again. I'm not buying much, just some pasta and chicken. I'm thinking of making chicken alfredo. I pick up milk and sour cream also.

My phone vibrates in my front pocket. Alex is texting to say there has been another murder, a witness, video of the perp and a positive ID. I'm amazed. We went from no general description this morning to a name and face. I want to call and ask more but I can't in public. For some reason, most people find it disconcerting when I walk around public places discussing rape and other atrocities in a casual way. I text back saying thanks for the update.

After shopping and rushing home, I call Alex. She picks up on the second ring and says, "Cabot."

"Hey, it's Olivia. What happened this morning?"

"Liv, he dumped a body behind a convenience store. He rushed past a guy who looked in the alley after nearly being knocked down by a strange looking man. The witness saw a dead body and called 911. Turns out the perp is a regular at that particular store. Fin ran down IDs off some receipts after the witness viewed the store's surveillance videos."

"Thanks for letting me know Al. This is probably the best news I could've gotten today."

After she ends the call, I put away the groceries. I'm done with the idea of being off work. I text Elliot to let him know what's happened with the case. I know he isn't going to choose to end his day off. I change into work clothes then leave my apartment. I'm supposed to be off but I want to be part of this process. I can sleep tonight just like Fin and Munch will be.

The precinct is very busy when I arrive. Captain Cragen sees me and motions for me to join him. He gives me a smile and says, "Benson, you don't have to be here. I appreciate you coming in though."

"I just need to help with this guy."

"Cabot already has a warrant for his house and outbuildings. Fin and Munch are going to his place for that. I'm going to let you interrogate him. I'm not sure if he will respond well to you but it can't hurt to try."

"Thanks Captain. Is Dr. Huang coming in for this?"

"He should be in any minute. Do you want him to sit in on the interrogation?"

"Yes, he will probably be very helpful if this perp really hates women."

"Okay, Alex wants to watch the full interview. I will send her back when the Dr. gets here."

When Huang arrives, we head into the interrogation room together. Our perp is named Christopher Archer. He's 32 and stands 6'4. Oddly enough, his ID says he only weighs 170lbs. This guy looks painfully thin. I think a really strong wind would knock him over. He just sits at the table in the interrogation room. He isn't looking around at his surroundings. Christopher doesn't appear to care that he's being detained.

I introduce myself and Dr. Huang. Christopher has no reaction to us speaking. He doesn't even look in our general direction. Interviews are odd things. I could blow this interview with one question. My gender could mess it up for me. If he doesn't feel like he can trust me, it's a waste of time. That is why I wanted Huang with me. People tend to like him and trust him easier than they would trust a detective. So, I begin my interrogation of Christopher Archer with basic questions.

"Mr. Archer, do you prefer being called Chris or Christopher or would you prefer being called by your last name?" Silence.

"Okay, I'm going to just call you Chris until you give me a preference. Chris, what kind of work do you do?" Silence.

"Do you work day shift?" More silence.

Dr. Huang looks at me and gestures for the door. I get up and we leave the interrogation room together. Once outside, he says, "Liv, I think we could maybe get further if you aren't present. Let me try him by myself and see if he reacts when you aren't around." I just nod my head and he returns to the interrogation room alone.

He walks back into the room and heads straight toward a dirty window. He looks out for moments without speaking. He begins to move again, settling in the chair opposite Archer. Huang is smooth with most people. He has such a caring nature that disarms most people without much effort. He's so quiet as he offers this suspect a glass of water or a soft drink. Archer asks for a Coke. I dig some change out of my pocket and head down the hall. When I return with the soda, they are just sitting across the table from one another, not speaking.

I knock on the door before. For some reason, it seems this would be the best course of action. Dr. Huang calls for me to come in and I deliver the soda to Archer. I do this as quietly as possible. I return to the window and stand with Alex.

Forty-five minutes later, we don't have a confession. I didn't expect one. We do have a suspect who has hired a lawyer. We have a suspect who does shift work. We have a suspect who hates women and refers to them as bitches or whores. Since Archer lawyered up, the interrogation is over. He is moved to a cell until his arraignment tomorrow morning.

Fin and Munch have returned from their search with plenty of evidence. Several knives with what appears to blood, a mattress covered in what also appears to be blood, and plenty of pictures of spatter and spray patterns from inside of Archer's garage. There are also taevelopes of hair samples and other body fluid samples. All of this is going to the CSU guys and as long as all goes well, we should have a slam dunk conviction.

I'm not hungry any longer, I'm starving. I remember the food I bought earlier but I don't think I can handle trying to cook when I'm this hungry. I let the captain know I'm heading out and he just smiles. Everybody is going home tonight. I'm about to leave and I see Alex is still here. I'm feeling generous after she drove me home so I walk over to her.

"Hey, I'm finishing up my break from being off work. Thought I'd offer dinner to say thanks for the ride this morning. What do you say?"

She gives me a smile and says, "Do you always take breaks from off time?"

I smile and say, "Not always."

"Yes, Detective, I'd like to join you. Let me grab my things."

We meet up a few moments later and she drives us to a pizza joint. I've missed so many calories that I was fine with some pizza and beer. We sit in a booth and she immediately looks out the window. There's still some daylight left but not much. It's strange that Alex looks virtually the same but she does seem a little wary at times. It's nothing too noticeable but at times she just doesn't seem comfortable. Right now is one of those times. The server takes our drink orders quickly.

"Alex, are you ok? You don't look too comfortable."

"I'm fine. It's hard to explain but I'm not comfortable being out when it's dark. I can do it but I don't like it."

"Oh," I don't know what to say, "is this left from...that night?"

"Yes, I used to not mind but now it's just different. Sometimes, I don't really notice. Other times, I'm a little anxious. Once, I had a full blown panic attack."

"I didn't realize, Alex. If you want to do this another time, we could try to schedule an earlier time," I suggest this but I'm feeling like a jerk.

"No, Olivia. This is great. If I go hide when it's dark all of the time, I will never get past the anxiety. My therapist would have my head if she thought I entertain the idea of hiding after dark."

I give a shy smile, "Yeah, it's good to try to face your fears."

She changes the subject with, "What kind of pizza do you want?"

"Umm...this is my thanks to you. I like all pizza so pick what you want."

The server returns and Alex orders a large pepperoni and italian sausage. I'm sure she remembers it's my favorite because I remember her favorite involves vegetables. I don't mention this but I find myself smiling at a memory of us trying to decide how to order pizza for a movie night. She was trying to convince me to try a veggie pizza and I was pretending to gag.

We're both quiet for a few moments. I keep looking at her and remembering some moment. I remember our first kiss mainly. It was our second date. We ate at Mario's, I picked the restaurant. I stuttered throughout the entire evening. I was so nervous and anxious. Usually when I was around Alex, we talked nonstop but our dates were very different. On that night, we sat in silence. She would try to drag me into a conversation but I was too unnerved to speak. Finally, she slid her chair over next to mine and put her hand over mine. I froze. I couldn't move at all. I was barely able to breathe. After a few moments, she leaned close to my ear and whispered, "I'm going to kiss you now." And she did. After that I was different.

"Olivia, you have the goofiest smile right now, what are you thinking about?"

I blush, feeling caught, "ummm...just, well, Mario's. I was glad you brought it last night."

"I didn't know if their spaghetti had changed. I was glad to see you eat dinner though."

I feel so at home with her but suddenly I ask, "Why? Why couldn't you call me?"

I didn't want to get into this tonight. The question took me by surprise. Alex looks floored. She looks down for a moment. I can see her taking deep breaths. I realize that I don't want to hurt her but I need to know why she chose to hurt me. When she does look up, I see she's close to tears.

"I really wasn't me. I looked like me and I sounded like me, but nothing was right in my head. I stayed in my apartment for weeks before I worked up the nerve to come outside. When I was in the program, I had small fears but I felt safe. For 3 years, I was told if I came home I would die. Then, I came home. I expected to be murdered at any moment. I thought I could do it but I couldn't. I was afraid of every noise. Each time my phone rang, I would hide from it. I was falling apart."

"But," I begin.

"I tried to go see you at the precinct after a few weeks. I wanted to see you but I got scared. I convinced myself that I was too damaged to be worth wasting time on. I ended up taking a cab to One Hogan instead. Jack gave me a job but told me I had to go to therapy."

"Alex, I would've dropped everything for you."

"Liv, I had PTSD. I was convinced there was a shooter around me at all times. Every noise I heard involved somebody killing me. I didn't want you to see me like that."

"What about the engagement?"

"Robert was a family friend. We knew each other for years. I bumped into him and he was just a friend and he proposed. I thought I wanted a family so I agreed. I didn't love him. He was just there."

Morbid curiousity get to me and I ask, "Why didn't you marry him?"

The pizza arrives and we stop talking for a moment. I eat 2 slices and finish my second beer. Alex is still chewing the last bite of a slice. I don't even know what to make of what she's said so far.

Finally she says, "one night, I had a nightmare. I remember the dream but when I woke, Robert was furious with me. He wanted to know who Olivia was. Apparently, I called your name in my sleep. He moved out the next day."

"I had no idea," I say.

"Olivia, I never said it but I loved you. Leaving nearly killed me. Coming home was even harder. All of the fears I had became this big paralyzing monster. I even avoided courtrooms for over a year. I wanted to see you, I did see you a few times, but I didn't want you to see me when I was so broken."

"I could have helped you," it comes out like a whisper.

"You would've tried but I wasn't ready. Everything about my life from before had become a huge problem for me. Courtrooms left me sweating and nearly in tears, cops made me uncomfortable, sirens made me come undone. I wasn't the person you knew. I was just a big ball of fear. You didn't deserve for me to dump that in your lap."

"I was so angry with you Alex. I was also hurt."

"Liv, I'm sorry. I didn't do it to protect you from my fear or shield you. I did it out of shame and self preservation. I was ashamed that I wasn't the woman you cared about. I wanted to keep the last vestiges of my sanity."

"You said you saw me. When?"

"Several times at the court house. You were usually preoccupied. Once, I nearly ran into you."

"What changed to make you come back?"

"I could've told Jack no but I didn't want to miss you anymore. I felt like me. I could finally go outside at night. I didn't duck when I saw cars coming towards me on the street. The nightmares had almost stopped. Most of all, I just wanted to see you. To stand in front of you and not feel ashamed of myself for hiding. I kept thinking of it as the last part of my healing."

I want to be angry at her but I do understand. Honestly, I'm glad that I don't have to miss her anymore. We finish our dinner quietly. I stop drinking beer and switch to water. After another slice of pizza, we leave the restaurant. She drives me home but I don't invite her into my apartment. What she has told me tonight could do 2 different things, it could satisfy my curiosity or it could give me more questions.

 _ **Sorry I didn't update last night. I'm trying to make up for it with this long chapter. Hope ya'll like it.**_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Alex

Sitting with Olivia at the restaurant was nice. It wasn't at all like before I was in the program. Talking about everything was somewhat cathartic. I feel almost like a weight has been lifted. It doesn't mean everything is ever going to be the same and it doesn't mean she's forgiven me either. It just means I've said some of the things I needed to say. I didn't mean to tell her that I loved her, but she probably figured that out when I told her about the nightmare. After all of that time, calling out her name would be kind of telling, I think.

Once I'm inside my apartment, I go through my usual nighttime routine. I shower and dress in yoga pants and an old tee. I find myself feeling lonely. I wish I could call her but what would there be left to say tonight. I guess I could beg for forgiveness and grovel but that isn't me at all. I begin working on some possible motions I may have thrown at me during the arraignment tomorrow. I don't know what Trevor Langan, Archer's attorney, might try but I like to be extra prepared.

I've worked for about an hour, it's almost 9pm. I yawn but I don't ever go to bed this early. Before long, I find myself staring off in space but then the doorbell brings me back to reality. Usually my doorman calls up, so it must be somebody on my list. A few years ago, this kind of intrusion would petrify me but I'm okay. I'm mainly just curious.

I peak out of the peephole and I do start to panic. It's Olivia Benson. I open the door and say, "What's wrong Detective? Is your bed not comfortable enough to keep you in it?" I haven't even halfway flirted with her nor she with me in some years. She lifts an eyebrow at me and smiles.

"Counselor, would you be willing to offer yours if I said mine wasn't up to par?"

Tonight, I find myself able to form words, "um...yes...if you um need it."

Olivia laughs. It's such a beautiful and rare sound. She's still smiling when she shakes her head. I motion for her to come inside and she walks to my couch. She's oddly polite after laughing at me and just looks at the couch. I manage to say, "Please, make yourself at home."

She gives me an almost shy smile once I've offered something to drink and taken a seat on the opposite end of the couch. I have no clue if she just came over because she's bored or if she has more questions. Hell, she could want to tell me to have a nice life. I sit back in my seat but she turns toward me. She's looking me directly in the eyes and I see it's just questions.

"You said you loved me. Earlier tonight. You said you loved me before you left, that leaving nearly killed you. I was just curious about what you meant."

I move closer to her. Looking her directly in the eyes I say, "I was so miserable without you. I didn't even realize how much I cared until I couldn't see you. I want to show you something."

I go into my bedroom and pull out an old shoe box. I take it back into the living room and hand it to Liv. She opens the box and starts sifting through pictures of her and different articles about her cases. Anything I could manage to find with her name involved during my time away.

"Liv, this is the only way I could have any contact. You had a few pictures of us but I had nothing. I subscribed to a few New York newspapers and I read a lot online. I printed these out and saved them. The marshals never found them when they moved me, I guess they just thought it was shoes."

"So," she asks with a smile, "you were stalking me from afar?"

I relax a little and say, "in a manner of speaking, yes."

"You do realize if we hadn't dated, this would be creepy."

"Stop teasing me, Liv."

"I loved you too." She's looking at the floor now. She starts to stand and I reach out for her hand.

"Don't go, Liv. Stay for a while. Talk to me." I feel like I'm begging but I don't want to let her go. I want her here with me for every moment I can get.

"Alex, I should go."

"Why should you go?"

"Because I'm not sure how I feel right now. I still care about you. I still feel hurt. I just don't know what to do with what I feel. I see you and I want you to feel the same pain I felt. Part of me thinks I will feel better if I make your heart hurt the way mine has."

"Oh," I feel like my heart is breaking again, "then go." I really thought we had made some progress. I'm fighting the tears that are stinging my eyes and she's looking at me. I've always heard people look cold when they say things like this but she doesn't.

"The other part of me knows you've been hurt too. I see it when you look at me. The tears tell me you're hurting still. I'm just so confused because I feel like I should just hold you because you're upset."

I didn't realize tears were running down my face until she mentioned it. I reach for the box of tissues on the coffee table but she has them first. She pulls one from the box and carefully removes my glasses. She wipes the tears from my face before handing me the tissue. I haven't said anything because I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing.

She sets my glasses by the tissue box and turns back toward me. I give her a little smile and she returns mine but hers looks sad. She reaches her right hand to my face and holds my face for a moment. I close my eyes and her hand drops. When I open them, she is moving closer to me on the couch. I see her leaning toward me and I lean in. When our lips meet, our kiss is like a first kiss.

She puts her arms around me and pulls me closer to her. I feel her tongue brush against my lip and I part them for her. Our kiss deepens and lasts for what feels like an eternity. When we pull apart, she gives me that same sad smile. I realize her arms are still around me and I wonder if that was the goodbye forever kiss.

When she lets go of me, I lean back against the couch. I'm waiting for her to get up and leave but she just looks at me. She gives me another sad smile and says quietly, "I'm afraid that you will hurt me again, Alex. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to love you anymore than I have over the past few years."

"Don't Liv. Don't walk away. I didn't come home to you at first because I wasn't a whole person. Now, I am and I have come home to you. Stay with me." I'm glad I finally found my voice but I don't know what she's going to do.

Olivia

I didn't mean to kiss her, well, I did but I never planned it. I just couldn't help myself. When I cradled her face in my hand and her eyes closed, I moved closer. I felt the same way the first time I kissed her. It felt like butterflies combined with fireworks throughout my body. It's amazing that I can feel so hurt by her but still feel so much for her.

I held her for a few moments, studying her. Finally, I did let go and tell her, "I'm afraid that you will hurt me again, Alex. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to love you anymore than I have over the past few years."

She says, "Don't Liv. Don't walk away." She said more but I'm too busy fighting my own tears. I lose the fight to hold them in and reach for a tissue myself. I wipe my eyes and she pulls me into her arms. I fall apart there. She just holds me tighter and I cry. I cry like a grieving lover but I was never her lover. I cry for what we lost years ago and then I cry for the time lost. I'm holding onto her so tightly and she keeps holding me. She doesn't let go. I realize that I never cried while she was gone. I never cried for her after that night she said goodbye. I was only happy she was alive and then I started waiting.

Years ago, she came back for Liam Connors' trial and I was so happy to have her there. I guarded her on the late shift. I volunteered for that shift so I could make her feel safe while she slept. Somehow, I knew she wouldn't sleep well if she felt scared. Somewhere, during that night, we agreed to go our own ways. To date and live our lives. Her idea, not mine. She was already seeing somebody. She wanted me to move on and live my life because she knew she may never come back and had made peace with it.

Alex held me after the tears had stopped. She kept holding me after my breathing had went back to normal. She kept holding me as I started dozing off. Before I could fall asleep, she suggested, "Liv, honey, let's go to bed. I don't want you to be sore from sleeping on the couch."

I let her lead me into her bedroom and when we get there, I kick off my shoes and Alex helps me out of my jeans. I just don't have the energy to do it myself. She goes to her dresser and pulls out a pair of shorts and I put them on after sitting down on the bed. I pull off my shirt myself but don't ask for one of hers. Alex puts on a pair of shorts before climbing into bed. When I crawl under the blankets, I scoot across the bed until I find her. Once my arms are around her, I drift off into the deepest sleep I've had in over a week.

Alex

She slept over last night. I wake up smiling at 5am. She's still sound asleep so I leave her that way. It takes a minute for me to get completely unwrapped from her arms and legs. I dress in my running clothes and do my usual 5 mile run. I find myself smiling while I run and realize I must look like an insane person. When I return home, Liv is still asleep. The captain's last orders were for everybody to be in at 9 so I let her sleep a little longer. I start a pot of coffee then put two cups and spoons out beside the coffee maker.

The shower is usually my first stopping spot but I want the coffee ready in case Liv wakes while I'm showering. I sneak through my bedroom and pull a suit out of the closet. I'm trying so hard to be quiet as I pull panties and a bra out my underwear drawer. I peak at Liv and she's still sleeping soundly. I carry everything into the bathroom and take my shower. I feel so hopeful about last night's events. Once I'm dressed, I leave the bathroom with my wet hair in a towel because I don't want to use the blow dryer. Olivia is no longer in my bed, though.

I walk into the kitchen and see her standing at the coffee maker. She's completely dressed now. Just by glancing at the carafe, I can see she has poured me a cup also. I just smile and say, "Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Mornin' to you," she mumbles and takes the first drink. I'm not sure if she's aggravated with me or just not awake. Usually when I've seen her early in the morning, she's been awake for hours. I realize that I don't know if she's a morning person or not. I leave her alone for a moment and go dry my hair. I realize she didn't pay much attention to the towel on my head and feel a little relieved. For some reason, she looked damn near perfect when she woke. I put on my makeup and return to the kitchen. Liv looks a little more awake and I'm pretty sure she's on her second cup.

"Sorry Alex. I didn't mean to crash out on you last night."

"It's no problem, I just thought you wanted to see if my bed was more comfortable than yours," I say lightly.

She walks over to me and puts her arms around me. She doesn't kiss me, she just holds me tightly and murmurs, "it is much more comfortable."

We stand in my kitchen for a few moments, just holding each other. This feels good. I'm not as worried as I was last night, I just hope she isn't either. Finally, she pulls away and says, "I have to go get ready for work. Maybe I will see you later." I smile at her and she leans forward and kisses my forehead.

After she's gone, I finish all of my getting ready for work. I check my phone and read through some e-mails. I go over the few possible motions from last night. I just want everything to be prepared for this morning. I pack up my laptop and briefcase and then drive to work. I spend the first hour looking through files on my desk and rearranging everything I need for court. I'm about to leave my office for the 11am arraignment when my secretary pokes her head into my office.

My secretary is giving me the funniest look and says, "Miss Cabot, there was a delivery for you. Do you want me to bring it in here?" I just nod and set my things back on the desk. The secretary walk in with this big helium balloon and a teddy bear. The balloon says "Welcome Home" on it. I just shake my head as she places this monstrosity on my desk. I check the card and really laugh when I see it's from all of the detectives, not just Liv. Each of them signed it but she signed the bottom with her name and an X and O.

Before I head to court, I place an order for order for a dozen yellow roses at the nearest florist. I'm feeling fairly humorous, so when I give the instructions I ask them to just type on the card, "thanks for last night." After a few laughs with the woman taking my order, I end the call and head off to the arraignment.

Olivia

I suggested the balloon and teddy bear for Alex when everybody came in for our shift. The guys thought it was funny and Captain Cragen threw in 20 bucks. I found a blank index card and had them sign it. I signed after they did because I didn't want to be teased. I waited for a text or something but never got one.

I'm hoping I didn't overstep my bounds but I don't have much time to worry about it. We are still collecting evidence from Archer's home. Elliot and I have been tasked with Archer's video collection. We need to view all of it to see if there are any home videos of any killings. We are picking up all of his hard drive, laptop and any jump drives. We are starting with the house first and then working our way to the garage.

At 11am, I get a text from the captain saying Archer is being held without bail. I smile thinking about Alex knocking Langan around in the courtroom. Elliot notices me smiling and walks behind me to see who texted. He walks back around to face me and I see him looking at me with this mischievous grin. "So, partner, do you always smile like a little love sick school girl when our captain texts you?"

"El, don't be weird."

"Does without bail have some secret meaning? If it does, I could tell him I hold Kathy without bail maybe twice a month."

I'm grossed out and laughing all at the same time. "Elliot, you're sick." I place the last box in the van we're using for the day.

"Liv, maybe I could get Munch to give him pointers."

I playfully hit him in the arm and he feigns serious injury. When we finally get ourselves together, we head to the station. He's quiet for a very short moment before asking, "Was the balloon your way of saying you understand?"

"Kind of, I guess."

"Fin had lunch with her awhile back and said her head was messed up pretty bad when she came back."

"She told me. I know it has to be hard to come back like she did."

"Did she say why she didn't call you?"

"She said she was ashamed of being so traumatized by coming back. She said she was afraid that she was still in danger and that it was too hard to function for awhile."

"Why did she wait so long?"

"I just think she's been sorting a lot out. She said she didn't want me to see her like she was and she still has some smaller issues. I think she was trying to figure out how to be a productive person who was living in fear without being needy. You know how efficient she want to be all of the time," I tell him.

"I think I do. You know what I thought was funny about this?"

"What was funny, Elliot?"

"My partner waited years for this chick, right. When that chick got engaged, instead of demanding to speak to that chick, my partner started dating other people. It's kind of funny how a person could want one thing so bad but be too damn pigheaded to say exactly what she wants."

"And how did it work out for your partner, El? Is she still being pigheaded?"

He gives me grin and says, "I think she might be getting it all straightened out now."

"I'll make sure to ask her for pointers when I see her again," I say with a laugh.

We arrived at the station just a few moments ago, right before my partner said I was pigheaded. We get out of the van and he calls Cragen. Some uniforms come down to help us unload all of the various items we've seized. Munch makes his way down to see our progress, I can only guess. He doesn't really offer to help but he does keep smiling at me.

Finally, I ask, "What is it, Munch?"

"Was just wondering what you did last night after we were released."

"I had dinner and went home," which is mostly the truth.

"Alone?"

"John, why are you messing with me?"

"You'll see." He leaves and Elliot and I are both more confused. Once everything is dropped off with the technicians, we return to the squad room. I immediately notice a vase on my desk. Yellow roses, my favorite. I see the card and reach for it, knowing who sent them but wanting to read it anyway. I notice the envelope flap is on the outside and not sealed. I pull the card out and read, "Thanks for last night." I turn and see Munch grinning while his partner is trying not to look guilty.

I can only laugh. She got me pretty good. I text her to tell her the roses were well played. She responds with, "No, thank you for last night." After a few moments she sends a smile. I only wish she could see Munch's smile, well any of them since they've all read the card by now.

 _ **I thought I needed a little humor. I hope everybody likes it. I do want to give a special shout out to peterpeter, he keeps asking me to update so I wanted to get this one done tonight. Hopefully another one will appear tomorrow.**_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Alex

I didn't hear from Olivia after I texted her the smiley face. I figure they must have gotten busy with one thing or another. I get from work and debate texting her. I decide to wait and I have a glass of wine. I turn on my stereo and just sit in the still apartment and listen to some jazz. I used to do this when I was younger. Just enjoy wine and music but I stopped doing it at some point right after college. I'm sitting with my eyes closed, slouched on the couch with my head resting against the back.

Some people have told me their favorite part of coming home is their kids being happy to see them, mine is the quiet. I used to hate it when I was a teenager but now, I crave the quiet. I sit like this through a couple glasses of wine. My phone ringing breaks my nice moment.

"Cabot," I say without looking to see who's interrupting.

"Hey, it's Olivia. Was just wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out?"

"Ummm...is there wine involved?"

"Or would you want to hang out at your place?"

I laugh, "I was joking. I've already had a couple glasses. I'll catch a cab over there. What kind of hanging out are we doing?"

"I was thinking about a movie or just sit together, we could eat dinner. I was just thinking of spending time with you."

I tell her I will be there soon and end the call.

Olivia

I worry too much, I've decided this in the past few moments. I want to spend time with Alex but I don't want to rush into anything. Then I realized, I spend a lot of time worrying about all of everything Alex related. Then, I began worrying about why I was worrying. I just really want to see her. I just got off the phone with her and she's coming over. I begin worrying about how clean my apartment is and how nice my things aren't. I'm obsessing over the most stupid things. My things are nice and my apartment doesn't look like anybody lives here. I clean, I just haven't had time to lately. It's not dirty, the only thing I see is a light layer of dust. I walk through with my duster as fast as I can. Why am I so nervous right now?

I buzz Alex up to my apartment and she smiles when I invite her inside. She walks over to a few pictures on the wall and looks at one in particular. It's of us. We had a softball game and Alex had shown up for moral support. I'm a decent player, I guess. Elliot volunteered me but I hadn't wanted to play. Alex had shown up wearing a light blue cap and matching tee. It was one of the few times I could remember her in jeans. I didn't have a great game or anything. I maybe had two singles and one walk. In the picture, I had just scored after the walk. Somebody got a great hit after my walk. Alex threw her arms around me like I did something exciting and Munch took the picture.

"I never knew you had this."

"I think Munch was planning on putting together a scrapbook or something. Maybe he had a new camera, I'm not sure. Anyway, after you were gone, he gave it to me so I could remember how much fun we had that day. So, I hung it on my wall."

"Maybe it was a new camera because he drove me crazy that day. I kind of believed he was obsessed with me for a moment."

"It was the jeans, Alex. He talked about them for a solid week after the game," I say this while stifling a laugh.

She looks at the other pictures. She seems to stop at each one for a moment. She sees on of Casey, Elliot and I. In this picture, I'm in the middle. Elliot has an arm thrown around my shoulder and Casey has hers around my waist. This sad look crosses her face for a moment. "Did you ever date Casey?"

"Casey is straight, Alex. I think she had a little crush on Elliot at one point. I'm pretty sure she was just happy that we became friends. We had a rough start."

"Why?" I wonder if Alex realizes what I've been thinking about today, we don't know each other anymore. I don't think this in a bad way, just that so much time has passed.

"Well, she wasn't you. To be honest, I hated her at first. I picked fights with her or ignored her for the first few months. Once she called me Liv, I told her that name was reserved for friends. I was awful."

"Sounds like it. I only met her during Connors' trial and I thought she was nice enough."

"She was. I was just being stubborn and I missed you."

Alex smiles at me and says, "you're probably lucky she forgave you."

"I don't think she ever even held it against me. I just realized that I had been consistently tolerable toward her for an extended period, then I was a little more tolerable. I did it in small increments so she wouldn't realize that I'm such a nice person," I say with a laugh.

"Oh, she told me all about it. She said Elliot was decent toward her but for a good while, she could make no headway with you. She said you were consistently hateful and mean. She didn't hold it against you. She said I left behind some very big shoes to fill."

We talk like this for hours. About the she was gone. What each of did to pass our free time. Alex tells me about being Emily and what Wisconsin was like. She tells me about how bored she was after living in cities her whole life. I tell her about Greylek and her lack of ability to connect with our victims. She's laughing when I tell her about Casey dying her hair blond and Munch's referring to her as Single White Cabot.

She keeps laughing when I tell her Munch was convinced Novak was slowly becoming our departed ADA Cabot through hormone injections and secretive CIA type experiments that involved adding Cabot's DNA to Novak. I'm telling her so much about the past few years. It's almost like reliving them. I tell her about some of the cases we investigated and about how some were rewarding while some were more frustrating.

As the evening turns late, Alex stifles a yawn. I smile at her, realizing that we've been talking for 3 hours. I've missed this. We used to do talk like this a lot, especially on random Saturdays. I stand up and she gives me this questioning look. I reach my hand toward her and she lets me pull her to a standing position.

"Alex, it's really late. You can stay here with me, in my uncomfortable bed. Or you could go home but I can see you're sleepy."

"Liv, what would you like me to do?"

"Stay, please. Just sleep here."

I lead her into my bedroom and give her a change of clothes. She ducks into the bathroom to change while I change next to my bed. She slides under the blankets and meets me in the middle of the bed. We lie facing one another for a little while but eventually she rolls facing away from me. I scoot a little closer to her and wrap one arm around her waist.

Alex

I find myself laughing so much at Olivia's stories. I particularly fascinated by her account of Casey Novak's hair and the Munch Theory. I didn't even realize they spoke of me after I was gone. I, also, though Liv being mean to Casey was funny. Not funny because I disliked Casey, but because she tries so hard to seem so agreeable.

When Olivia stood earlier, I didn't know what she wanted at first. I was getting so sleepy but I would've been happy to just sit like that until I fell asleep. I've missed so much in the past few years. Now, I'm lying in bed with Olivia and she scoots closer to hold me as I fall asleep. Withing a minute or two, her body completely relaxes and her breathing has evened out. I just stay where I am, so happy to be this close to her.

I wake up early but I'm alone. The room is lit but it's not bright yet. The alarm clock next to the bed says 6am. I stretch out for a moment before sitting. I'm not ready to leave her bed but I'm curious to see where she is. I find her sitting in an armchair looking out of the window. She turns to me and I see her smile. I move to see out the window and it's raining. Not just an easy mist or a fine rain, it's storming.

"I can never sleep when it rains very hard," she explains. "I like to get up and watch it. It's beautiful and chaotic at the same time."

I just nod. She pulls me into her lap and I let her. I sit with her in the armchair for what feels like an eternity. We spend our morning watching lightning strike through the air and rain pelt the streets below us.

 _ **I hate to say it but I think I'm running out of steam with this story.**_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Olivia

Yesterday, Alex watched a storm with me. I smile when I think about the little things like that. I still find myself worrying. I'm only trying not to and to just get passed our past. It doesn't even make sense to me at the moment. I still care about her so much but I'm leery of a relationship with her. It's hard to forgive; trust is a whole other thing. It's not that I believe she is going to cheat on me or anything like that. I just worry that she may run from me again.

We've finally made it through the week and I'm not catching any cases this weekend. It's the first time I've had a full weekend off in several weeks. Alex and I are going out tonight. I'm excited but a little nervous. She said to dress casually so I have no clue what she has in mind. I'm wearing a pair of jeans and a button down. My jacket is sitting next to me on the couch. She's late, only about 5 minutes, but I hate it when people are late.

I don't text her because I don't want to bother her while she's driving. I don't even know if she's driving. I don't know what Alex has planned. I'm not a control freak but I do like to know what I'm doing. I walk through the apartment and check my makeup again. I check to make sure I do have my phone and keys.

Finally, I get a text saying she's in front of the building. I try to be casual as I lock my door but I'm a little too excited and nearly drop my keys. When I get downstairs, Alex is right in front of the building in her BMW. I open the door and I'm tickled because her hair is different. I've never seen her with curls before. She's also in jeans so I'm not underdressed.

"Sorry, I'm late. I got all of the way to my car and realized I didn't have my phone."

"It's okay," I lie a little, "I wasn't quite ready either."

She pulls into traffic and plays with the stereo as she maneuvers through my neighborhood. I have no clue where she's heading. Before I even realize it, we are in New Jersey. She travels through Newark and keeps heading out of that city. She's just been chatting with me, talking about her day and asking about mine. She hasn't let on about what we're doing.

"Alex, you know I trust you to drive me wherever, but I have no clue where we're heading. Wanna fill me in?"

"Detective, patience is a virtue," she's grinning like the Cheshire cat. She takes an exit for a city called Passaic. I don't think I've ever heard of this place. She seems to know where she's going though. She pulls onto Brighton Avenue and I see signs for Brighton Asylum. She finds the Brighton Asylum and parks behind the building.

"Um...Alex? You're not dropping me off here are you?

"It's a haunted house. I thought it might be fun but if you'd rather have dinner, we could head back," she sounds so disappointed.

"I was just worried that I had gone crazy and you hadn't told me. I've never done something like this on a date. Let's do it."

We both get out of the car and get into line. We have to wait in line for a little while but not too long. Alex is smiling at me and says, "Thanks for doing this with me. I've been wanting to come here for a few years but I couldn't convince anybody to come with me."

I laugh, "I don't know that you convinced me very much. You basically brought me here and then said you wanted to do this."

"Yep, I promised you a date and then I kidnapped you."

We walked through the haunted asylum and it was pretty scary. I caught myself screaming once or twice. Alex, on the other hand, never screamed. She did squeeze my hand harder a few times but she was so quiet. It's the kind of date I haven't even thought of in years. Usually, a date is dinner and some alcohol. Sometimes, it involves a play or something of that nature. A haunted house is a new one for me.

Alex teases me for most of the ride back into the city. She suggests a bistro in her neighborhood and I agree that it sounds perfect. We're seated pretty quickly and a bottle of wine appears while I'm in the ladies' room. Alex is taking a sip as I sit down across from her.

As I pick up my glass, I ask, "are you trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me, Counselor?"

"I put something in your drink, so you won't remember it anyway," she says with a laugh.

"Dating tips from Munch?"

"Not dating tips, tips for getting a new wife."

This is what Alex can be like away from work. She's funny. I had actually forgotten that her sense of humor is kind of weird. I sip my wine and smile at her. I keep smiling at her for a few moments.

"Liv, you look a little crazy smiling like that. What are thinking about?"

"Was just thinking that I can dance on this table in a moment and when I'm being booked, I'm blaming it on you."

We pick at each other until we leave. Normally, I wouldn't joke about drugged drinks but Alex is Alex. She finds a funny side to most things and it's nice to find a reason to laugh. We are just too serious for so much of every day.

We catch a cab from the bistro because we've both had a few glasses of wine. All of the sudden, I'm so nervous. I can't figure it out though. We have slept over for the past few nights. I know she packed a little overnight bag for tonight. It's almost presumptuous but that doesn't bother me.

The moment I get my door closed, she starts kissing me. I head her bag drop and she has one hand behind my head and the other around the middle of my back. I start walking her backwards through my apartment while we kiss. We manage to bump into nearly everything in my living room during our blind voyage to my bed.

Once we make it into the bedroom, I start unbuttoning her shirt. She's so still while I do this. I push her shirt off her shoulders and she reaches up to the top button on my shirt. Her hands are shaking and that makes me feel a little better. I don't want to be the only one who isn't sure of themselves. As she works on the buttons, I unfasten her jeans and begin pushing them down her hips. I do stop because I don't want us to be tangled up.

When my shirt is completely unbuttoned, I take it off and then unbutton my own jeans. She's sliding hers down and I do the same. Alex looks amazing in her matching pink bra and panties. It takes me about two seconds to unhook her bra and remove it from her shoulders. Her skin is so pale under my hands. Her breasts so small and perfect.

I hook one finger on either side of the waistband of her panties and begin pulling them down. This is the moment where I realize I'm still mostly dressed and begin rectifying this situation. Alex smiles at me when she sees how quickly I'm undressing myself. The moment I step out of my jeans, she starts kissing me harder than she had before. I find myself scared to touch her right now.

Alex pulls away from me and sits on the bed. She reaches for my hand and pulls me on top of her. We're kissing as I massage one of her breasts with my left hand. My right hand finds her center and I begin rubbing her there. She's moaning or maybe that's me. I'm not so sure right now. I slide a finger inside of her and she's so wet. I slide in a second finger and curl them forward. I begin pushing them in and out. I feel her walls tightening around my fingers. She's rocking against my hand and breathing hard and fast.

"Oh god, Liv," she moans, "don't stop!" The second I rub my thumb against her clit, she climaxes. I let her body calm down before I start kissing her neck. My fingers are still inside of her and I begin moving them slowly.

I keep the slow rhythm as I slowly kiss my way down her body. Once I've kissed her hip bones, I skip down to her inner thighs. I run my tongue across her center and she arches up to meet my mouth. I keep my fingers inside of her and begin thrusting harder as lick her. I pull her bud into my mouth with my lips and begin sucking on it.

Her hands are in my hair pushing my head further down. She isn't even moaning anymore, just pushing my head as I keep thrust into her and suck on her clit. After a few more moments, she lets out the loudest moan and collapses onto the bed. I pull out my fingers and wipe my face with the back of my left hand. I crawl up next to her on the bed and look at her beautiful face. Her eyes are half closed and she has the most amazing smile on her face.

When Alex feels like moving, we slide under the blankets and curl our bodies around each other. We whisper to one another for a few minutes but I can tell she's ready to sleep. When her eyes finally close and I close my eyes and I'm asleep in a few seconds.

Alex

I didn't know sex could be like that. I'm laying in Olivia's arms after the most intense orgasm I've ever felt. All I can think about is why didn't I do this sooner. As I drift off to sleep, my last thought of the night is how much I love the woman who made me feel this way.

 _ **I know nothing about exciting places or things to do around New York. I do love google though. I think I heard about the Brighton Asylum at some point or another. I did look it up and it sounds like fun. I liked the idea of Alex wanting to go to a haunted house because it seems so out of character.**_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Alex

I didn't get much sleep last night. Neither did Olivia Benson. I think we woke one another at least 3 separate times. She's truly amazing and I'm definitely in love with her. I woke up before she did and took a cab to go buy bagels for breakfast. I thought about cooking but I don't know if Olivia's renter's insurance covers housefires. I just didn't want to risk it.

I woke her with breakfast in bed. I'm not sure my efforts are very impressive until she smiles. I swear her whole face changes when she smiles at me. I hope to spend the rest of my life making her smile like that. She sat up and took the plate and I put the cup of coffee on the nightstand next to her. She pulls the sheet over her breasts and proceeds with breakfast.

She finishes her bagel and asks, "What do you have planned for today?"

"Honestly, I finish a few things at the office. It's nothing pressing though. How about you?"

"Some laundry. Nothing exciting. I may feel like cooking dinner though. Would you like to have dinner with me?"

I smile at her, "I would love to have dinner but I don't want you to go through any trouble on my account."

"Alex, it's just dinner."

"I realize it's dinner but when I think about cooking dinner, I have to make sure all of my files are out of my apartment. Also, I have to keep my phone in my pocket and the fire extinguisher has to be close to me."

Olivia laughs, "I'm sorry. I forgot about your...uh...issues with cooking."

"Stoves hate me, Liv. I don't even understand how the fires start. They just do."

"You're adorable, Alex. You really are. If you stop by around 5 this afternoon, I will show you how not to start a house fire."

"Okay, 5pm. I'm going to leave you to your laundry. I will be back for my cooking lesson later," I say as I lean down to kiss her good-bye.

Olivia

I know Alex can't cook. I'm tickled that she brought me breakfast in bed. She just left and I swear I can still her perfume on the pillow she used last night. I wish I didn't really need to do laundry but if I don't do it when I have the time, a case could come up and I may not have clean clothes or time to wash any.

I spend my day washing clothes and cleaning. My apartment never gets very dirty but I do have dusting and straightening that needs to be done. After my last load of clothes find the dryer, I wash my bedding. I haven't decided on dinner yet. I'm thinking about stir fry but I want to impress her. Maybe I will save the impressing for later.

After a shower, I dress casually. The grocery store is within walking distance so I'm walking. My poor car never leaves the garage anymore. I return in time to hear the dryer finish. I put up groceries and then remake my bed. I vacuum the throw rugs in the apartment then sweep and mop all of the hardwood. I'm kind of happy that I chose an easy dinner, now. I'm kind of tired of cleaning. My bathroom needs attention so I head in there finish the details in there. I cleaned most of it before my shower.

Once everything is sparkling and shiny, I wash my hands and sit down. I get comfortable in time to hear the buzzer. I look up at the clock and realize it's 5 o'clock. I run my hands through my hair and walk to the intercom. I just buzz her up without any introductions. I'm excited but tired of cleaning.

Alex

Liv buzzed me in without even hearing my voice over the intercom. She looked so tired when she answered the door. I felt guilty because I know she spent the day doing house chores. Honestly, I have a cleaning lady so I don't ever worry about cleaning. I know how to clean, who doesn't? I officially learned when I was in WPP. I had no choice.

We began cooking dinner after she took the bottle of wine from me. Liv is great at the whole domesticated thing, I think. She heated oil for the vegetables while she explained to me about how extremely hot oil and extremely frozen vegetables can cause the oil to pop. She, also, informed me extremely hot oil catches on fire. She slowly added fresh shrimp and the vegetables to the pan.

The rice seemed simpler. Just boiling water and adding the rice to the boiling water. I kind of tried this once but I didn't read the directions and threw it together without measuring anything. It was bad. I watched her even make a sauce to add to the vegetables but I missed half of it so I won't try to reproduce that. She's just amazing.

"Alex do you think you could handle something like this?"

"Like you? Possibly," I said back with a grin.

"The stir fry, Counselor. Do you think you could make something like this without supervision?"

"Yes, Detective. I can probably even tell you why I start fires. I thought I was supposed to turn the heat as high as I could if I was pressed for time. I understand that wasn't right."

Liv threw her head back and laughed. "Alex, was that really the problem?"

I was so embarrassed, I just hung my head and said, "I think so."

"Tomorrow, cooking class is at your apartment. Decide what you would like for dinner and I will walk you through it."

We ate while sipping wine. We laughed so much that night. When we ended up in her bed that night, we made love for what seemed like hours. Afterwards, she played with the locket I was wearing as she held me. She opened it up and realized there wasn't a picture inside and gave me the strangest look.

"Alex, why would you wear a locket that doesn't have anything inside?"

"My mom gave it to me when I was sixteen. She got it at the same age. I had a picture in it years ago but it was of a high school crush. I only wear it because she gave it to me."

We dozed off shortly after that conversation. I woke up to Olivia sitting next to me playing with my locket. I was a little confused because I was no longer wearing it.

"Why did you take it?" I asked sleepily.

"Because you needed a picture and I had two for it," she explained.

She opened the locket and showed me what she'd put in there. On one side, a small picture of us from a few years ago. On the other side, a small recent picture of her.

"I figure, you could keep whichever one you like best in it. I just thought I would stick them both in there and let you decide. I didn't plan for you to wake up before I got it back around your neck," she told me sheepishly.

I studied the pictures for a moment and then told her,"I would like to keep them both, if you don't mind."

She just smiled and I sat the locket on her nightstand. I pulled her to me and just held her close. We stayed close like that most of the day. We watched tv while snuggling on her couch. I showered and she joined me. We laughed, we kissed, we held each other. We made love frequently. We didn't make to my place for the next cooking lesson. Eventually, she ordered a pizza and we ate it while taking a break from making love. It was just one of those perfect days that don't come around often enough.

 _ **Don't know if anybody is still keeping up with this but I thought I would start again.**_


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

18 months later

Olivia

"Alex, we are having a rough patch. This isn't any reason to run off to the damn Congo," I yelled at her angrily. Her back was to me. I'm furious but what can I expect from her. At least she bothered to drive over to tell me that she had a flight for Africa in the morning.

"Olivia, I want to do this. You knew I was interested in helping over there. You, also, knew I had looked into going over there. Why are you acting like this is just something I sprung on you?" She's faced me when she said that but she looked as frustrated as I was angry.

"You did just spring this on me. Two weeks ago, you said you were interested. You said you were going to apply. That was the last you said about it. Today, you tell me you are leaving in 12 hours."

"I just found out myself. I didn't intend to leave so quickly, Olivia. I thought we would have more time, also."

"What happens to us, Alex?" I've never ran. Not from her.

"I don't know, Liv. I just don't know," she told me quietly. "I wish things didn't change between us but they did."

"We are like any other couple in the world. We have problems but we can't work on them if you're halfway around the world!"

Alex just stared at me. She stood in my living room and gave me such a cold look. "I don't know what you want me to do. I don't. I can't just turn down this opportunity because we have problems. It doesn't work like that."

I was crying. I could barely see her through my tears. Our world was ending and I seemed like the only one who cared.

"Liv, it's for a year. You know I will be back in one year. We have phones, e-mail, and skype. We don't have end our relationship when I leave."

I just nodded. I had no words left. She left moments later. She took most of what she had left at my apartment. For some odd reason, we always stayed at my place. It was rare that she went to her place anymore. I slept on my couch that night and every night after that for a month or so. I got drunk several times. I called in sick once. My work didn't suffer though. I didn't hear from Alex during the first month.

Our problems were big. She didn't want to be out at work. She didn't want us to live together because it would look like we were together. She wanted to appear to be a straight woman. I was ok with her not wanting to be out at work. I was really ok with that. I didn't enjoy pretending that we weren't together when men would flirt with her. I hated watching her flirt back. She didn't flirt much but when I did see this, it hurt me.

I realize that her hiding her sexuality was just a coping mechanism. Alex Cabot had always been different in an exceptional way not any way that could be misconstrued as improper. She didn't want judges and defense attorneys thinking about her sleeping with women as she tried a case. I never once thought of a judge's sexual preferences when I testified. I tried to talk to her so many times but she is so conservative.

I heard from her after about 5 weeks. I was at work when I saw the e-mail from her. I didn't want to read it because I was still so upset. Finally, I clicked on it and saw her words. My eyes watered but I didn't cry.

 _Liv,_

 _I'm here and doing ok. The Congo is one of the prettiest places I've ever seen. There is just so many atrocities here. I feel so needed._

 _I've been thinking about us, also. I don't know what we can do to fix things between us. I know coming here wasn't the answer but I didn't know what else I could do. I don't know if I will ever be able to come out. I know you want me to but I don't think I can. I do miss you._

 _Love always,_

 _Alex_

I sat for a few moments. I just stared at my screen. Finally, my fingers started moving across the keyboard as if by their own volition.

 _Alex,_

 _Thanks for letting me know you arrived ok. I'm happy you feel needed there and I know your work will make a difference._

 _The guys have all asked about you. I will let them know you think it's beautiful there._

 _You said you don't know if you will ever be able to come out. I've tried not to pressure you about it but we are at a stage in our relationship that involves changes. We are at a point of natural progression. Until you left, we spent nearly every night together. There really doesn't seem to be a need for two apartments when we sleep in the same bed 6 out of 7 days._

 _If the idea of living with me made you run halfway across the globe, then maybe we shouldn't live together. Is that all I've needed to say to keep you close?_

 _I love you, Alex. I always have. I miss you and I wish you were here right now._

 _Olivia xoxo_

It was nearly a week before she sent another e-mail.

 _Olivia,_

 _Say hello to the other detectives for me. How are they doing?_

 _You deserve better than what I've given you. You don't deserve somebody who is too afraid to share a home with you. You deserve somebody who is as brave as you are. My courage is only in the courtroom. I don't deserve to have your love. I don't deserve it and I haven't earned it._

 _I'm so afraid being a homosexual will end my career. This is the real world and careers die out over smaller things. I still think about being a senator one day and living with a woman could kill my chances. I just don't know if I can give up what I've wanted my entire life._

 _I'm sorry Liv. I keep thinking about this and all I come up with is how bad this could hurt my career. I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't want it, at first. When I met you, I felt like anything was possible. When we first kissed, I was on top of the world. I've never been so enamored with any one person in my life. When we are together, I feel as if I could do anything. When we aren't together, I feel like some horrible person. I'm constantly anxious that somebody could learn that I'm in love with a woman. I don't know if I could stand that kind of judgment from my peers._

 _I love you more than I can ever describe. I'm just so overwhelmed with negative possibilities._

 _Alex_

I was at home when I read that one. That was a good thing because I can't believe she would be that ashamed of herself for loving me. So, I sent her another one about a week later.

 _Alex,_

 _I fell in love with you years ago. I've told you that before and I hope you believe me. I'd like to tell you something else. I have forgiven you for so many things. I didn't hold it against you when you momentarily lost your mind and insulted a Columbian drug lord. That one thing cost me two years of having a life with you. I didn't hold it against you when you left after Connors' trial was over. I just accepted it and lost another little bit of time. I forgave you for sleeping with your co-worker while in WPP. I forgave you when you came back and didn't answer my calls. I forgave you for pretending that I didn't exist. I forgave you for getting engaged and not even sending me a damn invitation. Last year, the Governor's ball, I forgave you for attending alone. I pretended to understand the need to not be seen with a female date._

 _I've been forgiving you for years. I'm tired of being so forgiving. I want you. I love you. I want to make a life with you. I don't ever want to be with another woman. I only want to be with you but I'm tired of being made to feel like a dirty secret. You have all of these political aspirations but all I really see is an excuse. I keep hearing about this gay senator and that gay senator on the news. So, I guess there aren't any rules about homosexual politicians._

 _I will still be here when you come back, if you come back. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know if you expect me to wait for you. I will if you want. I have decided one thing, I won't be your secret when you come home. I can't do it any longer._

 _Liv_

 _ **Alex POV**_

When I received that last e-mail from Olivia, I was angry. How could she even begin to understand my career path. I couldn't care less about which senator is gay. I know a few of them are. A few, maybe two or three, out of 100. There are a handful of gay congress people. Homosexual politicians have huge targets on their backs. It's hard enough to get into politics.

One of my co-workers, Henry, saw me after I read that email and came over to my work station. We didn't have offices because we there wasn't room. We worked out of cubicles like any random office shown in a movie. There was no need for law books on shelves because all of the laws we needed were on a computer program. Most of my work was done on the computer. 

Henry sat down in the chair next to my desk and asked, "Alex, is everything going ok? I noticed you swearing a moment ago."

"Thank you, I'm fine. Just a small glitch," I lied.

"My wife told me to never believe a woman who says she's fine. Is there anything I can do?"

I looked at Henry, he was maybe 35 and kind of adorable. He was just so nice. He was watching me expectantly and then I found myself saying, "How about we take a break and I tell you over coffee?"

He smiled and stood. I pushed back from my desk after closing my personal e-mail. We walked out of the building and went toward the small coffee shop next door. Nothing here made me thing of the US, except this little coffee shop. It's main source of revenue was our office building. Henry and I ordered and found a seat.

"Henry, my problem is of a personal nature. Would you mind if I talked about some very personal things?"

"Of course not."

"I'm a...um...well," I stammered.

"When I got a bad test score as a kid, I would stare at any object as I told my parents. Maybe that will help," he suggested.

I stared at my cup and finally whispered, "I'm a bisexual and I'm having trouble with my...my partner."

"Oh," he said quietly, "I don't know much about the whole same sex relationship thing, but it can't be very different than any other relationship. Can it?"

My eyes nearly popped out of my head, "Henry, do you really think it could be similiar?"

"Two people who love each other. That's the general idea, right?"

He was so direct with me that day. I found myself explaining about coming here and my reasoning behind it. I told him about Olivia and how much I cared for her and the rest of my concerns. He listened so intently. When I finished, he knew about the last e-mail I had received from Olivia. I had read all of them to him from my phone. I waited for him to respond and when he finally looked up at me, he said, "Sounds like you broke up with her."

"What? I didn't break up with her," I nearly growled.

"Be objective, Alex. You pretty much said you didn't deserve her and then you told her you loved her but didn't know if you could ever get past your concerns over your career. Sounds like you were saying she was better off without you."

"I guess but I didn't mean I didn't want to be with her."

"What are your political aspirations? You've mentioned it several times but I've never heard you say anything about politics before today."

"When I was young I made plans about running for Senate or even governor of New York. I decided to prosecute sex offenses because they are some of the worst crimes. I wanted to become a senior ADA and then possibly bureau chief. After that, I wanted to become the DA. I figured I would hold that position for a few years and then run enter the senate race."

"Sounds like some plan," he said without any enthusiasm. "How long have you been an ADA?"

"Somewhere around 6 years. I was Bureau Chief for about a year in the middle of that time."

"You went from ADA to Bureau Chief and back to ADA?"

I looked at him and said, "I was in Witness Protection and when I came back, I was given the spot of Bureau Chief. I stepped down after I realized that job wasn't for me."

He picked at his cup for a moment and said, "But Bureau Chief is part of the line of succession to the DA slot?"

I nodded and said, "Yes, if there was a rank system, it would begin with junior ADA then senior ADA. Bureau Chief follows then DA."

"But you don't like being a Bureau Chief. Do you still intend to get promoted to that position again?"

"Yes, well, I...haven't looked at it that way before."

"Alex, do you still want to be a senator? Or is it something you decided years ago and then clung to the idea?"

"I...I'm not sure. I could still do it. Maybe, I think I would like to," he had me so confused.

"I wanted to be a baseball player when I was a kid. I told my whole family I wanted to be a ball player. I could've been too. Except I broke my ankle sliding into third. It was pretty bad too. The doctor said no more baseball when I didn't get full range of motion back. I still answered baseball player when my family asked what would I want to do. One day, my father asked me if I had considered anything else yet. That's when I realized I wasn't going to play ball anymore."

I just stare at him, "Sorry about your ankle."

"Sorry about your ankle, Alex. Now, what do you want to do when your older?"

I smiled sadly and said, "I guess I will come up with something."

I e-mailed Olivia a few days later.

 _Liv,_

 _I'm still thinking and deciding on a few things. Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I really thought I would have better access to the internet when I applied. I only have it when I'm in the office or the coffee shop next door. Skype is definitely not an option. Well, it could be an option if I took my laptop in after hours._

 _I realize my last e-mail to you sounded pretty terrible. I have no excuses. I can only say that it sounded like I wanted to end things with you but that wasn't my intent at all. I'm sorry for my lack of clarification. I hope you accept my apology._

 _Work here is work, if you're still interested in hearing about it. I probably won't see a courtroom while I'm here. Mainly, I interview and help prepare testimony. It isn't very glamorous but I do know what is needed here. About ten thousand Olivia Bensons. Rape and sexual assault are such a part of the landscape here. I'm convinced an army of you could change things. Anything short would be a waste._

 _I wear a new perfume. I don't think you would like it but it keeps the mosquitoes and flies away. Insect repellent. There are so many threats here. There are so many threats from mosquitoes alone. Who would have thought that so many different diseases could be hanging out inside one little insect. It's always hot. The air conditioning in the apartments that we are assigned to is limited. It only makes the place tolerable. I've learned about humidity also._

 _It's always humid here. New York is bad in the morning but eases during the course of the day. Here, it's just humid. We have so many thunderstorms and they don't help the humidity to abate. 80 degrees with 95 percent humidity will make walking two blocks feel like running a mile. I still run but only indoors. There is a small gym next to our apartments._

 _We are just outside of Kinshasa, so relatively safe but still not safe. This place is like a small town combined with an army fort. It's a UN base so there is a fence around the whole place and if I were to leave the fence without my ID, I might not be able to get back inside. We are still discouraged from being outdoors for too long. It's too hot to be out there for long periods anyway. We have been instructed to only eat here and to drink bottled water only. If I have to leave and eat elsewhere, I have a list of approved places. Because of the sex trafficking and high occurrences of rape, women are never allowed to leave by themselves._

 _It's bad here. But I'm ok. It's winter time here, which means less rain and not quite as hot. When I think of winter, I think of snow. Guess that isn't going to happen. Will send you some pictures so you can see what it looks like._

 _Alex_


	13. Chapter 13

_**This is what happens when I can't sleep. Guess I will keep going until I fall out.**_

Chapter 13

7 months later

 **Olivia POV**

I read the e-mail from Alex and I felt relieved. I didn't bother to apologize for what I said to her though. Sometimes, I just need to say how I feel and not apologize for it. We kept in touch through e-mail for another 7 months. She sent pictures of the countryside around the compound and I sent pictures of whatever I was saw. I sent pictures of McDonalds even though I know she doesn't eat fast food. I sent pictures of the large Christmas tree in Madison Square Garden. I sent pictures of snow. I've even sent pictures of take out boxes. I'm she will know life is the same if she sees normal stuff.

I took a picture of a Starbucks cup and Fin caught me in the act. "I'm sure she remembers that nasty coffee Liv. You probably don't need to remind her."

"I just want her to see what she's missing," I said passively.

"And here I was thinking you wanted her to come back. Maybe you should take a picture of Elliot. She will definitely stay away then," he said with a laugh.

So, I aimed my phone at him and took a picture, "Don't want her to forget all of the guys."

Munch walked in as I took the picture and said, "Maybe you should take a picture of me so she will remember how much she misses me."

"Liv, don't send her a picture of that tired old dude. She will never come back if you send one of him," Fin told me with a little smile.

Elliot was a little late and once he made it in, I managed to take pictures of the guys together. I took a few of the captain through his window. Elliot stole my phone and took two of me. I knew about the second one but found the first one later. I realized I had taken about 30 pictures and decided to give her only 5 at a time. I sent one of the guys together, the coffee cup, Munch holding his arms open for her, my desk, and the first one El had taken of me.

We all got caught up in the work day and when I finally made it home that night, I checked my e-mail while drinking a beer. One from Alex. I opened the others first and then I finally opened hers.

 _Olivia,_

 _Starbucks, really? I was really jealous until I saw the picture of Munch. If he's going to hug me, I'm not coming back. Not next week, not ever. I did like the one of the guys though. I laughed at your desk. That was pretty random. The one of you took my breath away. Even more beautiful than the one I have in my locket. I keep that on most of the time. Some days, I take it off and I wear the necklace you gave me. I always have some piece of you with me._

 _So, about next week. If Munch can contain himself, I will be home. I wanted to spend Christmas with you and my week long vacation was approved. I thought maybe if you would like, I would spend the week at your place. I will only need to go to my place for clothes since I don't have any winter clothes with me. Just let me know what you think. I have my travel itinerary already and will arrive there at 9am Friday of next week. I know you will be working so I will make arrangements from the airport._

 _Looking forward to seeing you,_

 _Alex_

I noticed the attachment and opened it. She's evil, I swear. It's a picture of her naked leg with water running down it. I saw the tile floor under her foot and became convinced she was getting out of the shower.

 _Alex,_

 _I look forward to you spending the week with me in my home. I will check with the captain to see how much time I can take off. I'm going to need the time so I can explore your leg and find where the tan ends. Thanks for that picture. Can't say much more, I have a cold shower calling my name._

 _Liv_

Over the course of the week, Captain Cragen agreed to give me vacation for each day Alex would be home. I lied and told her I would have to work nearly every day. She called me last night and said she would just take a cab to her apartment and get her clothes. After that, she would be at my apartment. Her voice was exactly what I needed to hear. That was the first time I had heard it since she left my apartment that night before she left. She seems different now, maybe a little more relaxed. I can't believe that the Congo would be relaxing for anybody.

 **Alex POV**

I always loved new places, even as a child. I just hate the plane rides. Nearly 30 hours after leaving Africa, I landed in New York. I cleared customs fairly quickly because I only had a carry-on bag with me. Once I was out of customs, I saw a sign with my last name on it. I was a little confused since I had planned on taking a cab. I wandered over to the sign bearer and realized it was Olivia, in a hat and wearing sunglasses.

When she saw me, a huge smile appeared on her face. She lowered the sign and I walked to wear she was stood. I threw my arms around her and kissed her. She seemed surprised but she didn't pull away from me. The kiss didn't last nearly long enough but we were in public. I honestly couln't even remember the last time we kissed in public. When we pulled away, she's looked surprised but was still smiling.

"Alex, I'm happy you're home. I do have bad news, though. It's only about 22 degrees outside."

"I don't have a coat," I said quietly. "I wasn't expecting you to come all the way out here for me, Liv. Thank you."

She just shook her head and said, "I couldn't wait to see you. I didn't want to wait another minute."

We made our way out of the airport and when we walked outside, I felt that first frigid blast of air and almost turned around. Liv seemed to notice me stiffen in the cold and shrugged out of her leather coat. She handed it to me and I gladly accepted it.

She took me straight to my apartment. It looked just like it did when I left it. I left all of the dustcovers on the furniture and went to my bedroom. Olivia followed me in there and I began pulling sweaters and jeans out of my closet. I pulled a bag out of second closet and she helped me pack everything. Before we left my bedroom, I pulled her to me. It started as a hug until I pulled my head back from her.

She kissed me with so much force. I felt my lips parting for her and there was no way we were stopping to go to her house. She pushed me onto my bed and pulled at the hem on my shirt. I held my arms up and she pulled my shirt over my head. She unbuttoned my pants while she kissed me. She pushed me back on the bed and I lifted my hips so I could shimmy out of the jeans. She threw out off her shirt and crawled up my body, kissing all of my exposed skin along the way.

After she reminded me of all of her amazing bedroom skills, we laid together on my bed. She played in my hair and I was just content to have my head on her shoulder. I listened to her heartbeat for some time and dozed for a few moments. Before I dropped into a deep sleep, she suggested we go to her apartment. I slowly dressed myself after we started moving.

 **Olivia POV**

Alex and I made love before we ever made it to my apartment. I was thrilled to touch her beautiful skin and she seemed very happy to let me. Once we made it to my place, she was barely awake. I suggested a nap to help her get past her jet lag. Alex slept in my bed for about two hours. I spent that time making dinner. I knew it was a little early but I thought she would want to go to bed at an early time.

Alex woke but seemed fairly groggy. She walked into the living room with sleep tousled hair. I could only smile despite the glare she gave me.

"Hey, Sleepyhead, you feeling better?"

"Liv," she said, "you are entirely too happy and I am entirely to exhausted to reciprocate."

"Ok, do you think you're ready for dinner? I made a lasagna and it's ready. We can go to bed after we eat, if you would like."

"You're amazing. Thank you for everything today."

"I'm just happy you're here."

She smiled and said, "Me too."

After we ate, Alex and I went to bed. I fell asleep with her laying her head on my chest. I woke several times during the night due to being used to sleeping alone. Each time I woke, Alex was as close to me as she could get. My sleep was fairly restless. I gave up on sleep around 3am and went into the living room. I turned on the tv and watched some holiday movie until I dozed off on the couch.

I woke again later to the smell of coffee. I sat up quickly and relaxed when I saw Alex fixing her cup. I stretched slowly and pulled myself off the couch. Alex turned and gave me a small smile and muttered, "G'morning."

"Good morning to you," I say with a smile. Alex gave me an odd look and pulled a second coffee cup out of the cabinet.

"Liv, I woke up alone and thought you had gotten called into work. I was disappointed when I saw you sleeping on the couch."

"Sorry, I was just a little too wound up and was having trouble staying asleep."

She gives me a devilish smile and said, "I was going to wake you up for morning sex but I guess it's your loss, Benson."

I joined her in the kitchen and accepted the cup of coffee from her. I held the cup in one hand and pulled her to me with the other. I kissed her cheek and said, "Definitely my loss, Counselor. Rain check?"

"We'll see."

We spent the remainder of the morning talking and laughing. I had forgotten how easy it was to be with her. She told me about her work over the past months and I told her about some of my cases. I caught her up on things in the squadroom. I told her about some of Munch's crazy theories. She filled me in on the few friends she made.

After we talked the morning away, she asked if I would mind stopping by the precinct. I didn't mind so we dressed and headed out. She insisted on stopping by a donut shop and ordered a dozen donuts. It seemed like an odd thing to do in the afternoon but she insisted. As we left the shop, I realized Alex had never brought donuts in at a reasonable time. She brought them in from time to time but always in the afternoon.

"Why would you buy donuts when it isn't breakfast time?"

"I've always heard cops like donuts. I consider this research. When I buy them in the afternoon, they disappear so quickly. I've seen donuts at the precinct in the morning and they seem to sit for hours."

"So, you're trying to figure out a time frame about donut consumption?"

"Yes, Detective. I want to know when cops are most likely to consume them. Have you ever noticed the other detectives never complain when a box of donuts appear?"

I laughed and replied, "We're civil servants, Alex. We accept any free food donations. I'm not sure why the rates would change during the day. Maybe some of us don't care for sweets so early."

She nodded and said, "makes sense. I don't usually want anything sweet before 9am."

When we arrived, she managed to put the box down on my desk before Munch opened the lid. "Teflon, thanks for thinking of us lowly servants of the city." Alex smirked at me and I couldn't help but laugh. The rest of the team joined us and Alex seemed happy to be around her former co-workers.

After the precinct, Alex took a cab to go shopping. She said she hadn't bought a gift for me yet. I returned to my apartment and straightened up the living room. I poured a glass of wine and started dinner before she made it home. I had no clue why she wanted to buy me a gift, I was just happy she came all of the way here to spend Christmas with me.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

 **Alex POV**

My time with Olivia over Christmas was too short. It only took a day or two for us to fall into patterns at home. She cooked, I washed dishes. Okay, I loaded the dishwasher. We watched silly tv shows. We watched the news together and discussed the big news. We drank coffee together. We showered together. We discussed her moving into my apartment. That was the only argument we had. It just bled into any topic for the last two days.

When I left for the Congo, I felt relieved. I was tired but happy to be away from the toll my relationship took on me. Liv said she didn't want to move in with me. She wanted me there with her. Her place is small. It's a two bedroom but she uses the second bedroom as an office of sorts. I need space for an office also. I keep a lot of legal books at home. My case files take up a lot of space. I take up a lot of space when I'm researching. I just thought my apartment would make a little more sense.

She balked at the idea. I couldn't make her see my point. My place is paid for and I know she leases hers. In my place, more of her money would be freed up for savings, vacations, or whatever she wants. She accused me of not wanting to slum at her apartment. I love her place. I think of it as home more often than I do my own apartment. I don't care about having a doorman. I think it's nice but not necessary. I just thought she would like the larger space. She refused to budge when I suggested she decorate any way she wanted.

I shuddered as I remembered the argument. At one point, I was a spoiled princess. We said so many harsh things.

"Liv," I asked her, "would you mind moving into my place when I get home?"

"What? I thought you felt at home here."

"I do. I'm just considering many factors here. My place is closer to both of our jobs. It also has more space"

Immediately, she was defensive. "So, my place isn't big enough for you?"

"No, Liv. You have an office here. I have an office there. I have enough space for us to both have an office."

"I quit using my office a few years back. You could have it if you need it."

"It's not just that. I own my place. If we lived there, you wouldn't have to worry about paying a lease. You wouldn't even have to worry about parking."

"Alex, I really don't want to be reliant on you. I like my apartment. Some days I wish it was nicer but I'm happy with it."

"Liv, be reasonable. It would save you so much money. My building is even safer," I realized then I should give up but I couldn't. "The doorman keeps out unwanted visitors, so you would never have to worry about getting buzzed awake or the wrong person getting into the building."

"Alex, I'm not some spoiled princess or prima donna who requires a doorman. And if the wrong person wants to get into any building, they will. It only takes a little determination," she said heatedly.

"I'm not a prima donna, Liv. Have you ever thought about a strange man just following your neighbor in and picking your locks? It would be so much easier here. Imagine coming in and some deranged rapist being in your home. What would you do?"

"I would shoot him, Alex. What would you do if one was inside your apartment? Call your doorman?"

That's when I got angry, "Of course I would. I would just call him and it would all be over and done. My building doesn't have basic locks, it has the ones that are supposed to be impenetrable. It also has a security system and I have an alarm system. Somebody may get in through a window but the alarm will summon the police. Crisis averted."

Liv opened a bottle of beer and began speaking slowly and quietly, "Even an alarm can fail, Alex. Surely you know that. All of the bells and whistles in the world won't protect you."

"Liv, you don't even have an alarm. I'm just offering a little more security than you have now."

That was how the conversation ended. She turned on the television and ignored me. She even slept on the couch again. The next morning was worse. She was a little hungover and extremely angry. I ended up going to the DA's office to catch up with some old friends while Olivia stayed behind. I spent the entire day out of the apartment and she seemed angrier when I came back. I was tempted to just go to my place but I promised to stay with her.

I decided to just apologize but failed to notice the empty beer bottles in the trash can. I guess that was another mistake because in her drunken state, nothing good was going to happen.

"Liv, I don't know why me asking you to live in my apartment hurt you but I'm sorry. I'm not sure which part is bothering you but I didn't mean it as an insult."

"No, I'm fairly sure you meant it as, 'I'd rather not live in a state that is below my upbringing.'"

"Olivia Benson, I can't believe you would suggest that I'm some sort of elitist."

"Alex Cabot," she slurred, "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a duck."

"I'm not going to stand here and be insulted. I thought you would be open to living in a nicer environment. I thought you might want to live closer to your job. I thought you wanted to live together but you haven't brought it up since before I left. I thought I would invite you into my life this time."

"I don't like your place. It's like a museum for old people," she mumbled belligerently. "Your furniture isn't for curling up on, it's for proper people to sit on."

"You could move your things into my house. You could furnish it any way you wish. Olivia, I'm not suggesting your home isn't enough for me, I just didn't think I should suggest moving in with you. Had you offered, I would've accepted."

She stood up quickly and swayed a little. I reached out to help her but she just waved me off and said, "I gave up on you living here with me. I'm not going to live in your apartment. I don't want to so I won't. Quit nagging me about it."

She left the living room and went into her bedoom. I left the apartment because I couldn't make myself face her. I knew I had hurt her in the past but I didn't realize how much I had. I never dreamed she would say no. I went to visit Casey Novak. We had spoken earlier in the day and she said I should stop by anytime. I knew she didn't realize I would leave the next day but I figured sitting with Casey was better than being at Liv's place.

The plane touched down at the Kinshasa International Airport. Once again, I made it through customs quickly. A driver from the compound was already waiting for me. We made our way out of the airport and once outside, I remembered how harsh the humidity was. I was still in shock over Olivia not driving me to the airport. She did offer in a backhanded way. She didn't act like she cared so I just took a cab.

 **Olivia POV**

I almost felt bad for the way I behaved with Alex. I wanted to enjoy every second with her but she had to bring up living together. Of course, it had to be at her apartment. No suggestion of us finding one we were both agreed on. She just wanted me to live in her fancy penthouse apartment with the damn doorman and special locks. The lock on her door costs more that my couch did. Hell, buying a window for her place would probably set me back a few paychecks.

I've struggled every month to make my rent. Being a police officer or even a detective doesn't pay very much. I'm in a rent controlled apartment. I was lucky to even get the deal back after being undercover with the FBI. If I moved in with Alex and we split up, it would be unlikely that I could find a place in Manhattan. I knew I could keep my place but it seemed senseless to have an empty apartment. My lease agreement barred any sublets so there was no opportunity there.

So, I was angry and I got drunk. Twice. I don't know where she went that last night. I went out to apologize and she was gone. She was back when I woke but I didn't know where she slept. I offered to drive her to the airport but I was angry again. I was angry because I felt like she was finally willing to be open about her relationship but only at her whim. I returned to work the day after she left. Crime never stops so I had a lot to do when I returned.

Days passed, I didn't hear from Alex. It hurt but I wasn't one to give in during an argument. Yes, I was wrong to accuse her of nagging but she was wrong. She never should've suggested I live with her after being so adamant about keeping our relationship quiet. I tried to keep all of this out of my mind but it just kept surfacing.

A case brought a young man into my life briefly. Calvin Arliss came to live with me for a few months before his biological father revoked my temporary guardianship. My life changed so much during that time. I was home at a reasonable time everyday. I cooked more and drank less. He was devastated when he left and I thought my world was ending. I felt like I had lost so much.

I saw Dana Lewis, my FBI contact from when I was undercover a few years back. El and I worked her rape case. Despite her best efforts to throw us off, we solved it. I almost understood why she didn't want us to find him. Almost. We did solve it. We worked that case while I still had Calvin living with me.

A couple weeks later, we worked a case that involved a news anchor of sorts. She did those Neighborhood Predator shows that Alex always liked. She had received death threats and what not. Then a bloody scarf arrived. I accompanied that woman into a park where we found so many bodies. That case was a nightmare and in the process, we lost ADA Sonya Paxton. She solved the case for us with the bite she took out of the killer. Grafton was one of the worst our squad had seen. The case was something that had haunted Paxton after she promised to find the killer. In the end, she did. I only wished she lived to see him convicted.

Alex finally sent a short e-mail in the spring. I really hadn't been looking for one from her and almost missed it.

 _Liv_

 _I guess really don't want to speak to me anymore. I would love to say I understand but I don't. Please say something. Tell me to go screw myself or whatever, just say something._

 _Alex_

The e-mail was time stamped 6:23am which means she sent it after 1am. I don't know what to say to her so I just started with my life lately and then went from there.

 _Alex_

 _It's been awhile. Since you left, I have been a temporary guardian to a young man named Calvin. He left my care a couple months ago. We lost Sonya Paxton. She was murdered at an AA meeting. Her killer was sentenced to death by lethal injection. I helped solve a rape of FBI agent. Lots of other stuff, but those things stand out in my mind._

 _As for saying anything to you, I'm sure you can understand I've been fairly busy. I don't know what to think about the way you want us to be a secret and then not a secret. I don't know what to say about living with you. I treated you like you treated me last year when I asked you. I would say we should talk but I think it's too late for that. As much as I love you, I think we will always have too many bad memories between us._

 _Olivia_

Almost immediately, she responded with her own.

 _Olivia_

 _Is that it? Too many bad memories? Which bad memories are those? We were together for 18 months and our only disagreements were about me not being willing to come out at work and not wanting to live together._

 _I didn't want to live with you because I knew living with you would pretty much out me to anyone I knew. I'm trying now. I was trying when I invited you to live with me. I'm willing to do that now. I want to be with you and have every single person I know aware of my love for you. Please don't end our relationship like this._

 _Alex_

Breakups were always hard on me but I knew I had to end this. To just say my piece and forget about what could have been. I decided to send one last message and then let it go.

 _Alex_

 _We were together before those 18 months you mentioned. We were together when you left for the WPP. You came back and never bothered to call me. You spent 3 years here without saying one word. When you did come back, I tried to forgive you. During the 18 months you mentioned, our relationship was mainly at your discretion. Every date we had was somewhere out of the way. I was never invited to dates with you here in the city. You wouldn't even attend the annual ball for police officers with me._

 _I know you came back and had some sort of PTSD but that didn't excuse you. I realize you were worried about your career but that doesn't excuse you either. I'm a real person with real feelings. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with you but you couldn't get over yourself long enough to realize the world doesn't revolve around your sexuality. This is what I should've told you before you left last year._

 _You have made me feel like a dirty secret for so long and I'm done. I'm not going to live in your home just because I'm finally good enough to acknowledge as a lover. To really say it plainly, you have made me feel like I'm not good enough so often that I cannot begin to get over it. You left without discussing it with me. You said you wanted to apply to work over there and you did apply. You never mentioned that you were being considered or were in any sort of hiring pool. I doubt you received a phone call one day asking you to leave your entire life in 24 hours. I bought that when you said it but it's too hard to believe. What kind of employer would do expect that much from a prospective employee?_

 _So, this is it. I boxed up all of the clothes you left here some time ago. I can take them to your place whenever you want them there. You could come here and get them whenever you come back. I don't want to talk about our relationship any longer. If you come here to get them, don't expect an audience for whatever argument you may have about how I feel._

 _If you do come back to the DAs office, I will be as professional as I have always been. Just don't expect all of the lunches we used to have together. If you are assigned to Special Victims, I will still do my job to the best of my ability, regardless of our past._

 _I wish you all the best, Alex. One day, maybe we can get past some of this and be friends like we used to be. I just don't think I could ever consider anything else with you._

 _Olivia_

I sent that e-mail while tears soaked my face. I don't cry often and she is the only one who consistently caused it. I was scheduled off for the next day so I grabbed a third beer and drained in a few gulps. I pulled the fourth out of my refrigerator and grabbed some tissues from a box on the end table. Before I blew my nose, my laptop dinged to let me know a new message had arrived. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose before I sat behind the laptop again.

 _Olivia_

 _You can take my things to my apartment. I guess that would be easier for both of us. Just put it wherever._

 _I want you to know that I do love you. I was ready, Liv. I was finally ready to be with you with no qualms about any ramifications it could have on my professional life. I guess it just wasn't soon enough. I wasted too much time worrying. I worried about myself after being gone. About how scared I was. I worried you wouldn't want me in such a damaged state. I worried about coming back to SVU. I worried about the toll it would have on me. I worried about getting close to you again and the having to leave. I worried about people finding out about us. I worried about the possible conflict of interest. I worried that I couldn't love you enough. And then I chose to leave._

 _I'm sorry for all of the pain I've caused. One day, I hope you can forgive me. Until then, I hope we can remain friends._

 _Alex_

That e-mail seemed even more final than mine did. I cried more and drank more. Over the next couple of months, I threw myself into work like I never had before. My life felt so empty and my job was the only constant I had. I drank with the guys when they invited me out after work. I just treated my life like I had before Alex. It was all work.

 **I just couldn't let them be happy together after all of that stuff. I'm not done yet though. I should be able to get another chapter finished before the end of the weekend.**


	15. Chapter 15

**I have such great fans. I wasn't going to put them together again. I had a direction I wanted to take but I need to make my audience as happy as the comments make me. To the guest who said the last chapter was a downer and why continue reading, please continue reading.**

Chapter 15

6 months later

 **Alex POV**

My doctor put me on anti-depressants after I returned from Africa. I went back to therapy. I returned to work and tried hard to pretend that I wasn't dying inside. Upon my return, I found the box of things I had left in Liv's apartment. I wanted to believe she would've thrown the box against the wall or emptied the contents on the floor. She didn't. Everything was nicely folded and smelled of her laundry detergent.

Work was awful. Initially I wasn't assigned to Special Victims. Casey Novak was and I was just filling in where I was needed. I wasn't happy about that either but it's life. I didn't have the role I wanted at work but I showed up everyday. Some days, I had a hangover but I was still there. I was always prepared. I was just so depressed.

I saw Olivia a month or so after I came back. She was testifying for Casey during some trial. She looked like the same woman who put the picture in my locket. She sounded like the woman who used to say 'I love you' to me so frequently. She even walked like the woman who stomped into my office years ago to demand I get my head out my ass after I treated Stabler like dirt. We were both so young then.

I don't think Olivia even noticed me as I watched her walk out after her testimony. I stayed in my seat until the recess was called. Once the court was in recess, I stumbled out of the courtroom. I wanted fresh air and my reason for attending court was long forgotten. I didn't see her again that day. I just gave her space.

About a three months after I returned, I was assigned to work with Casey. There had been some restructuring around the DA's office and SVU had two prosecutors to cover the caseload. Casey and I worked well together. Initially, I thought this was a mistake but later realized Casey and compliment one another. I was meticulous and Casey was imaginative. I enjoyed brainstorming with her over case strategies.

I didn't see Olivia for the first week of my new assignment. I had avoided the precinct even though I had one of their cases already. Casey was more than happy to cover the search warrants during the first week. At the beginning of the second week, I had to go to the squadroom for Casey. Really, it was my case, Casey was just too busy to go for me.

We had an Italian diplomat accused of rape. All I needed to do was deliver a search warrant. Cragen pulled me into his office and told me about how Stabler was involved in a shooting there at the precinct. I couldn't believe it. He talked about IAB being around and how the unit was under close observation. He, also, told me a new detective would join them soon. He told me things had changed recently and Olivia was suffering.

I didn't see her during that trip. The next day, I returned and found Olivia staring at Stabler's desk. She was the only still person in the room. I walked over to her desk and stood for a moment. I didn't speak but she did look up at me. The small smile she gave me showed strain and frustration.

"Hello, Counselor. I guess you've heard about my partner." Not a question, a statement.

I nodded and said, "it's a shame too. He's a good detective."

"I'm sure he will be cleared and come back soon. I'm probably worrying for no reason."

She told me they were waiting to see if the DNA matched the diplomat and if it did, she would have enough for a warrant. Apparently, nothing was gained from his questioning. Any diplomat being involved in a case warranted kid gloves. Any missteps and our case was over.

Over the next few days, we worked together frequently. I was even present for some questioning during the investigation. I managed to hunt down a second victim in another country. We flew her into the country for her testimony but immediately she was labelled a prostitute. Everything we did with this case became a mess. We almost lost our suspect on an overseas flight. Our rape shield laws didn't protect our new witness from her alleged prostitution. Nothing went the way I wanted.

During the course of the case, I realized Olivia wasn't fighting with her normal tenacity. To me, the case was a throw away. We couldn't win on the rape. It was just one of those things. It happens sometimes and it happened then. I knew Liv was struggling with her partner gone. She seemed to struggle with the new detective, Rollins. She seemed to struggle with everything. But she did talk to me.

"Olivia, I just need to know what you believe here," I asked her. "You are more experienced at finding deception. Do you believe she was raped?"

"Alex, I don't know what happened. I can't be sure of who is telling the truth. Everything I've learned is telling me I'm being lied to now. I just don't know where the facts end and lies begin. I do believe something terrible happened in that room."

"That's all I needed to hear," I said and left her. I couldn't fight a case without my detectives belief in the victim. I couldn't win anything without their conviction. Since Liv believed, I would fight. And fight I did. We managed to get his immunity knocked out when he paid for the hotel room himself. We were also able to convince the jury that the injuries sustained during the rape were not consistent with consensual rough sex. We just didn't get the rape conviction. Our perp was only given a year at Riker's.

At the end of the case, we found out Stabler had been cleared and then retired. I was fairly depressed before that case. Working with SVU again helped restore some of my mental health. I wasn't with Olivia but I felt better when I worked near her. It gave me some hope. I did feel awful for her, though. I couldn't imagine how she felt. Stabler was the one thing that never changed. He was there for her everyday and she had just lost that. For years, she told me he was the only family she had. I know she felt the same for Munch and Fin but Stabler was like the brother she never had.

I found her in the bar later that evening. She had her phone in front of her and just stared at the screen. She was at the bar and I sat in the stool next to her. I ordered a drink when the bartender approached. I didn't look at her. I didn't want to stare at her if she lost her composure. My bourbon arrived and I sipped from the glass. Finally, Liv shifted and I realized she was looking at me.

"Alex, this isn't the time to be hashing out our past."

"I'm not here to talk about us. I'm here because I thought you may need a friend."

"What I need is my partner, Alex. I don't understand what's going on. He won't talk to me, Alex. He won't answer my calls. He doesn't text back. I just dont get it."

"I'm sure he has his reasons, Liv. Those reasons aren't for us to understand. If he tried to explain why he was leaving right now, what would you say to him."

A strange expression came over her face and she said, "Honestly, I would say 'don't leave.' I guess I would say, 'I can't do this without you. Please don't go.'"

I asked her, "Is that all?"

"I don't know, Alex. I would say it was a good shoot. He had no choice. That girl killed Sister Peg. She killed the one person who stood for good. The one person who fought everyday to make this world a better place. She wasn't finished shooting either. She could've shot me or him or anybody else around. There was no other choice."

I give her a sad smile and say, "what else, Liv?"

"What else is there to say? I need him. I can't do the work I do without Elliot."

"You can, Liv. You are an amazing person. The things you said about Sister Peg, about her fighting to make the world a better place, she was like you. You stand for good and you make the world a better place. I know you love Elliot. You don't need him, though."

"I do need him. He was the one who taught me how to be a detective. He taught me more in the first year of working together than I had probably learned in my lifetime."

"I know, Liv," I said. "Everybody in the world has had a teacher at some point. The one person who influenced each part of our lives. Elliot was that person for you. It was just time for him to move on to a new chapter in his life. I'm sure he will contact you once he feels better about his decision."

She takes a gulp from her drink and says, "Everybody leaves me. What is so wrong with me to cause everybody I care about to go?"

I took some tissues from my purse when I saw her tears begin. I handed them to her and let her cry. I sat next to her and rubbed her back as she grieved. I know she was crying over the loss of her partner but I believe she was crying for more reasons. Maybe she cried for the loss of Calvin or Sister Peg. Maybe it was partially about Sonya. Some of it may have been about how I had left her.

I couldn't find any words to say to make her feel better. I don't think the English language had adequate words to console her during that moment. I do believe that during those moments, we recaptured our friendship. If I had went home that night, I don't believe the next few months would have gone so well.

 **Olivia POV**

I couldn't remember ever feeling so lost. No partner, no girlfriend, no child. I was lost. I couldn't imagine life without the one man who meant everything to me. It was a devastating loss for me. During those days before the resignation, I had hope. After he resigned, I was completely hopeless.

I hated to feel like I did. I never meant to get so attached to him but our partnership had deepened over the years. Elliot was the person I called when I was a little upset. When I had troubles with Alex, he knew and gave advice. He was there for me when my mother died. He was even there when I thought Alex was dead. I had gotten too close to him for a little bit, confusing my love of him for some sort of romantic love. I knew I was a lesbian but that whole time kept me more confused so I left and did some work in computer crimes.

I couldn't believe he would leave without even telling me. Who does that? Alex found me drowning my sorrows. I didn't want her to find me but I was hoping maybe El would be in his favorite cop bar. I thought maybe he would go there just to remember what being a cop felt like. He didn't go but Alex did. She sat with me, talked to me, and then called me a cab when I was too drunk to walk home.

Alex rode with me in the cab but didn't try to come into my apartment. To be honest, I would have let her. It's not that I forgave her or was ready to kiss and make up. I just wanted something that felt normal. Alex in my home seemed normal. She didn't offer to accompany me and, now, I'm grateful that I didn't invite her into my apartment. If I had invited her in, we would have had sex. That was a complication I didn't want or need.

Life did keep going though. I didn't like our new additions to the team. I don't know why I disliked Rollins so much. She was eager and tried. Those aren't necessarily bad qualities. She just drove me insane. She needed guidance and I wasn't the one to give it to her.

Amarro was our newest addition. He made me think of Elliot at times. He was hot headed and quick to anger. He didn't identify with victims at all. I usually felt like he believed our victims lied more often than not. He got better over time. I resented him being assigned as my partner. He must have hated me in the beginning.

Over the next few months, my pain at losing my partner lessened. I still had an ache when I thought of him. I hadn't called his number since I sat with Alex that night. I never heard from him and his house was sold soon after he put in his papers. I don't know where he went. I didn't look for him through any searches online. I did look for him during cases. On more than on occasion, I called Amarro by the wrong name. He was a good sport about it though.

I found myself getting used to working with Casey and Alex. I even found myself smiling at Alex when she would walk into the squadroom. She amazed me at times. This woman worked tirelessly despite the friction on our side of every case. Our new members fought with one another and with her. Alex picked up a lot of our slack where Casey put her foot down to our antics.

A few months after Elliot left and Alex had returned, I went to the prosecutor's office to get a warrant signed. Casey wasn't in her office and I found myself walking toward Alex's office. Normally, I would just wait but this was important. Fin and Rollins were waiting outside a storage unit for this warrant. I stopped outside her closed door and paused to give my clothing a once over. I knocked and waited her to answer.

"It's open," I heard her call. I walked into her office and she was still looking down at some papers in front of her. I stopped next to an chair and lowered myself into it. A few moments passed before she looked up at me. She didn't smile or even look remotely happy to see me but I was stunned at her appearance. Alex looked tired. I can't ever remember seeing her when she didn't look her best. This is a woman who makes the flu look attractive.

"Detective, what can I help you with?"

"I was looking for Casey to get a warrant pushed through and she isn't in. Could you get this signed for me?" I pass her the warrant and she reads over it and nods.

"How soon do you need it?"

"As soon as possible. We are more than ready to begin searching right now," I said optimistically.

"Ok, I can run a judge down but it will probably take twenty minutes to find an available judge and then another 15 to get it back to you."

"I could just follow you, Counselor. If you don't mind."

She nodded and stood. We walked out of her office together and went on a search for a judge. While walking through the courthouse, I asked, "Alex, are you alright?"

"Of course, Detective. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just didn't seem like yourself when I came to your office," I answered.

"I've just been working on something and it keeps me preoccupied," she answered vaguely.

"Oh," I said. "Just thought I'd check."

Before long, I was headed out of the courthouse with a signed warrant. I gave the go ahead call to Fin and headed to their location to help with the search. As I drove, I wondered about Alex. We rarely spoke unless it was about a case. I felt a pang of sadness as I thought about how our relationship went from good to nonexistent with little or no effort.

That evening, I received a call from Alex. I figured she was going to vent about me keeping her from her work to get a warrant that yielded nothing but she wasn't in that type of mood. She seemed a little hesitant to explain why she was calling and finally managed to say she wanted me to come to her office. I shut off my computer and gathered my belongings.

"Detective," she said nervously. "I know you were probably busy but I needed your help."

"It's fine. What do you need me to do?"

"Could you, if you don't mind, walk through the hallways and check the other offices? I keep hearing something or somebody but I haven't seen any lights in any of the offices. I feel like I'm being senseless but the noises are making me a little nervous."

I nodded and left her office. I walked through the office checking doorknobs and looking for any signs of life throughout the building. I found none so I returned to Alex's office to report my findings. She was sitting at her desk and then I saw that she did look a little unnerved.

"Alex, I didn't find another soul in the other offices. I didn't even see the cleaning crew. What exactly did you hear?"

"I just kept hearing a really quiet voice. I'm pretty sure I heard a couple doors close at one point. I got up and closed my door and then I'm pretty sure I heard somebody say, 'Shit.'"

"How much longer do you need to work tonight?"

"I could go home right now. I just didn't want to walk out there if some stranger person was just lurking outside of my office," she said quietly.

"Ok," I told her, "grab your things and I will walk you to your car."

"Thanks, Liv. Maybe it was nothing but I'm sure I heard something."

She picked up her briefcase and walked around her desk. I walked through the door and she followed. We left the building in silence. I walked her to the parking garage and went straight to her parking spot. Parking garages tend to be creepier at night and I noticed her shudder as we walked past the empty spots. Once at her car, I turned to leave and thought I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned but saw nothing. It appeared we were alone but I began to feel like I was being watched. Alex saw me look and offered to take me to my car. I accepted the offer and she dropped me off on the street next to my car.

I went home from there but I couldn't lost the eery feeling for the rest of the night.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Alex POV

I was so embarrassed to call Liv that night. She was a good sport about it and came right over. I was so sure I heard people but she didn't find anybody in any of the other offices. I thought I must have been being paranoid. Olivia even accompanied me to my car. I thought she saw something when we were in the parking garage but she told me it was nothing. After I drove her to her car, I went home.

She offered to follow me home but I really didn't want to overuse her helpfulness. I was a little more than unnerved though. My hands were shaking when I walked into my apartment. I turned on all of the lights and kept them on until I started feeling a little more settled. I did get a phone call around 11pm from Liv. She already knew I made it home safely but she said she wanted to check on me.

My night passed quietly. I slept after talking to her and awoke the next morning for my normal run. I walked out of my apartment dressed in my favorite running shorts and a long sleeve tee because fall had started in full force. As my hand brushed the edge of the door, I felt something sticky and stopped to see what it was. When I saw the black paint on my red door, I stepped away and farther into the hallway. I pulled my phone from my pocket and called Olivia. Then, I started taking pictures. The words "cunt" "bicth" and "slut" were painted on my door. Bitch was misspelled.

Olivia was there inside of 15 minutes. I felt relieved to see her but I was still horrified. I hated to believe this could be a neighbor but it was so hard to get into my building. Generally, a resident was called when a visitor entered the building unless the visitor was on the list of approved guests. I only have a few people on my approved list. I don't have many personal friends on the list. Mainly, my list consists of colleagues from the office and the detectives.

"Alex, are you sure you didn't see or hear anything last night?" I just shook my head while I wrapped my arms around my chest. I couldn't even go back into my apartment until the door was dusted for prints. I never really used the gym here but that's where Olivia had taken me to ask her questions.

"Alright. No suspicious noises. How about phone calls. Have you received any phone calls from unidentified callers?"

"No," I told her, "nothing out of the ordinary."

"Ok, now some personal questions. If you would feel a little more comfortable with another detective, I would understand," she said quietly.

"Ask away, Detective. I would prefer to speak to you."

She takes a deep breath and says, "Have you been dating anyone recently?"

"No."

"Have you been in contact with any individual from your past?"

"No."

"This is awkward. Alex, have you been asked out or turned anyone down?"

"No, Liv."

"Just bear with me. Have you noticed anybody hanging around? Anybody who sticks out in your memory?"

"No, I would have told you if I had seen anything out of the ordinary."

"No threats?"

"None," I told her.

"How about cases. Are you prosecuting any cases with stalkers or individuals with obsessive tendencies?"

"No, I'm only working on 3 cases. One is a date rape, the second is a statutory rape, the last is domestic assault."

"I'm sure this man was caught on the security cameras in the hallways. Rollins watching the security footage now."

Moments later, Olivia and I walked to the small room in my building where I saw many monitors. I knew the room was manned by a security guard but he also made security walks during his shift. Rollins smiled at me when Olivia allowed me to enter before her. The guard, his name tag said his name was Baker, motioned for us to come inside the room. I saw a hallway on a monitor. There was a man on the screen who could've been any man in the city. He was wearing a red hooded sweatshirt and a pair of black track pants. One thing about him stood out, the backwards baseball cap.

"Liv," I gasped, "I know that hat. Give me a second, I can't remember where I've seen it but I know I have."

"Just try not to think about it for a second," she said. The security guard pushed a button and I watched as the man in the hallway moved towards my door. The man pulled something out of his pants pocket and began waving it towards my door. I correctly guessed he was painting my door. After he finished painting, he put the cap on the spray can and strolled away.

Video from the elevator and main entrance showed little more. He walked in while the doorman was in the restroom and the security guard was in the back of the building. The view from outside of my building did not show a vehicle but did show him turn left after he left. A car passed by a few moments after he walked out of view. I asked about the car and Olivia mentioned all of the footage would be sent to TARU to be analyzed.

Later, after I was allowed to use my door, I showered and changed for work. I was disturbed by the obscenities on my door and Olivia held Rollins over at my apartment to make sure I was safe while I readied myself for work. Rollins even drove me to the precinct after I was ready to begin the day. I did manage to convince her to stop down the street from my building for coffee.

That particular coffee shop isn't my favorite but it's convenient. I've stopped there a few times a week since I came home. Rollins went in with me and she nearly had to hold me up when I saw the janitor pushing his cleaning cart into a restroom. He wore a backwards hat. I remembered the backwards hat from the video. I didn't explain it to Rollins. I didn't say anything about him to her. I ordered enough coffee for the squad and paid. Rollins helped me carry the coffee out and seemed to not notice how bad I was shaking.

The squadroom looked just like always, plenty of movement and noise. Amarro met me at his desk and announced the coffee delivery as he accepted his own cup. Everyone came over and said hello or expressed the sympathy at my situation. Liv was the only one who hung back from the group. After greeting the other detectives, I walked over to Olivia. She gave me a small smile and just shook her head.

"Alex, I think you are the only person who deals with a stalker by so much coffee."

"Liv, I know where I've seen him before."

"The stalker?"

"Yes, I remembered when I was at the coffee shop. There was a man there, a janitor. He had his hat on backwards. When I saw the backwards hat, I remembered a witness from case. He always had his hat backwards. I'm still trying to remember which case. Anyway, I was asking him a few questions and he thought it was some kind of game or something. I asked him maybe 5 questions and he answered each question with his own extremely personal question."

"I'm guessing you don't remember his name since you're trying to remember which case. Would you have any of that written down?"

I nodded and leaned against her desk as I thought about it. "Liv, I'm going to need to go back to my office. It's a case I prosecuted after coming back. It was still warm, both of us were wearing short sleeve shirts. I just wanted to prepare his testimony and he was so out of line."

She's seemed so focused when she asked, "Let me drive you? As soon as you have a name, we can find an address." I just nodded and she escorted me to her car.

Olivia POV

I cannot describe how excited I felt when Alex said she remembered the man with the backwards hat. I was so pleased when she remembered interviewing him as a witness. Yet, as I sat with her as she reviewed her notes, I was incredibly bored. I knew it would take time but this was tedious. She cross-referenced each interview with her witness lists. Finally, she dropped her pencil and stood. I realized at that moment, she didn't know. We had been in her office for more than 2 hours.

Alex rubber her hand over her face and said, "Usually I take great notes over everything. I don't know why I didn't that day."

"Maybe you threw them out when you realized he wasn't worth the paper."

She just shook her head and quietly said, "I'm surprised I remember the interview. I could barely think straight. I was on an antidepressant that left me a little off."

"Oh," I said quietly. "Wait. Are you saying you took great notes through all of those cases but not on one day because of a pill?"

"That's the only thing I can think of, Liv. Usually, my notes are very detailed because I need all of them at some point. I have no clue why I wouldn't have notes for that particular interview."

Casey Novak poked her head into the office and said, "Hey Alex, I heard about everything. I'm sorry this is happening to you. If you need help with anything, just say the word."

Alex nodded and replied, "Thanks Casey. Really, the only thing I need help with is finding some notes from the summer. I'm pretty sure I interviewed this man after I came back but I don't have any notes from that interview."

Casey left a moment later and I asked Alex if I could have the number to the building's security. She nodded and looked it up. After she read it off to me, she went back to her notes and I called the security office. I informed the guard of Alex's situation and asked about video footage. The guard informed me he could show me footage from most of this floor.

I left Alex in her office and took the elevator to the ground floor. The guard was waiting in front of his office door for me. We went inside his office and he started pulling up footage from last night. He began playing 4 different views on one monitor. All of the angles were close to Alex's office. On one view, I could see a man with a backwards hat walking around aimlessly. As he walked closer to Alex's office, his demeanor changed. He looked over his shoulder several times and tried different door handles.

The perp made his way just outside Alex's office and managed to look directly at the camera for a few seconds before walking back down the hall and ducking into the men's room. Moments later, I saw myself on camera. I walked into her office and the man ducked out of the restroom and toward the stairs.

"Sir, could you print off a picture of his face? That moment when he stared at the camera would be perfect, if you can."

"Of course, Detective. Would you like more than one copy?"

I looked at him for a second before saying, "Yes, I want to put one on every desk on that floor. Can you do color copies?"

"Sure thing. How about 50 copies?"

"Perfect."

The guard printed the image in color and left to use a color copier. I sat alone in his office staring at the image of the man. I pulled out my phone and took a few pictures. I took that time to check in with Amarro. He informed me that TARU had enhanced the footage of the car driving past the apartment building. A man with a backwards hat was driving that car, also. TARU was still working on a license plate number for the black Toyota Camry.

I texted Amarro the picture I had with the message, "I think this one is even better."

He texted back, "Where did you get this one?"

I texted him, "Cameras outside her office"

The guard returned then and handed me the copies. I smiled at him and said, "Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of your help."

"No problem, Detective. I'm really sorry this has happened."

I smiled at him and left his small office. I stopped at a vending machine and bought a Diet Coke. Alex was still reviewing her notes when I walked back into her office. She didn't notice me come in and I took the moment to watch her. She was so absorbed in her notes and used one hand to play with her locket. I hadn't even noticed it around her neck.

Finally, I cleared my throat and she nearly jumped out of her chair. "Alex, I looked at the footage from last night. He was here but I didn't find him because he ducked into the stairwell when I walked into your office."

"Oh," she said dejectedly. "Maybe I should have skipped calling you and I wouldn't be so aggravated right now."

"Come on, Alex. Calling me may have saved you. I have a great shot of his face."

"Sorry, Liv. I'm just so frustrated."

I showed her the picture and she nodded. She kept the one I'd handed her and I turned to go distribute the others.

"You're not leaving are you?" Alex sounded worried and a little scared.

"Just going to pass these out. I won't be far."

She nodded and I left her office. Each person I shared a copy with said he did look familiar and the majority said they had seen him in the building recently.

I found Casey Novak after I passed out most of the copies. I handed her one and she studied for a moment before looking at me. She was quiet for a moment and then looked back at the paper in her hand.

"God, Olivia. I don't believe it."

"Don't believe what?"

"Alex interviewed this guy for me a good while back. I needed some witnesses prepped and Alex is great at prepping witnesses. I asked her to give me a hand and he was one she spoke with. I didn't even use him as a witness because she couldn't get any answers from him."

"Do you remember which case?"

"Let me go check my office but I'm pretty sure I have him on the witness list from that case."

Casey hurried back to her office and I went to speak with Alex. She was still at her desk but she had her head in her hands when I walked in. "Hey, Casey just saw the picture and she said you did interview him but it was for her. She's looking through her case notes now."

 _ **I'm still enjoying this. Thanks for all of the reviews! I get so tickled each time I see a new review or follow on my humble little story. I don't have this story all mapped out yet but I do have a decent idea of how to pull them closer. Hope ya'll enjoy this.**_


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Olivia POV

Alex returned a several minutes later with a sheet of paper in her hands. She gave a Alex a smile and handed the paper to me. I read the name and address printed on the paper. I couldn't help but smile because Alex was so much closer to being safe again.

"Thanks, Casey. I'm going to have Amaro pick me up and we're going to pay Brian Mitchell a visit. I hope this address is still good."

"Anytime, Liv." She turned to Alex and said, "I'm really sorry for even sending that interview to you."

Alex gave her a smile and said, "It's not you're fault, Casey. There was no way you could know he was bat shit crazy."

Casey and I both laughed at her insult. I texted Amaro before I left Alex's office. He was there inside of twenty minutes. I gave him the address in Lower East Side. He pulled into traffic and we were headed in the right direction after a pair of right turns. Amaro was fairly quiet at first but after we sat at a stop light for a moment, he wanted to talk.

"Liv, you realize he will only get a few misdemeanors out of this, right?"

I looked at him for a moment before I said, "Yes, Nick. If it keeps her safe, though, it's still worth our effort."

"I'm not saying it isn't worth our time. I'm only saying this guy is fixated on her already. What if he is worse after we speak to him or after the charges are filed?"

"Nick, we will do our jobs and try to keep her safe. She's afraid now and every thing we do, no matter how small, will help build an even bigger case. I just hope this is enough of a deterrent."

We finished our ride in relative silence. He parked directly in front of the address Casey had given me. We climbed out of the car and looked at the run-down building that seemed out of place on Orchard Street. I walked to the entrance and my partner followed. Once inside, we climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. I knocked on the door to 402 after I checked the paper Casey had given me.

I heard movement inside and stepped to the side of the doorway. Amaro was already on the other side. The door swung open and revealed an unshaven man with a hat turned backwards, Brian Mitchell. I could smell stale cigarette smoke from inside and I felt my stomach roll. Mitchell was about my height and thin. He smiled, showing several rotten teeth.

Amaro showed his badge and said, "I'm Detective..." Mitchell turned and ran farther into the apartment. As we chased him inside, I silently hoped he didn't get onto a fire escape. I had already drawn my gun and let it lead me down the short hallway. There were no doors except the one at the end of the hall. I found myself hoping he was on the fire escape at that moment. Amaro was behind me, not quite in the hall.

The door was thrown open suddenly and before I managed to fire my pistol, I felt pain and was thrown backwards. I realized I had been hit by gunfire. I heard my partner return fire and I watched holes appear in the walls around the door frame. I pulled my pistol up with my left hand and waited for Mitchell to appear again. He did. He stuck his head out and before my partner could miss again, I fired three shots. Mitchell fell to the ground and Amaro stepped around me. He knocked the pistol out of Mitchell's hand and checked him for a pulse.

Amaro called for a bus and ran back to me. He knelt down and said, "He didn't make it." He stood again and ran into the kitchen and found a few towels. He returned and wrapped one towel around my arm. Then raised my head and sat it down on the other towel. He applied pressure to my arm while my head applied it's own pressure.

"Hang in there, Liv. It's not as bad as it feels right now."

"Nick, did he really shoot me in the head?"

"I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you hit it on your way down. That was probably the best thing, though. The first shot probably saved you from something worse."

"You know you are a terrible shot, right?"

He just shakes his head and gives me a little laugh. I could barely think and I was beginning to feel sleepy. My eyes started to close.

"Liv, you have to stay awake. The bus is going to be hear soon. Just talk to me for a few more minutes. Tell me whatever is on your mind."

"My head hurts more than my arm. The only thing on my mind is the pain on the back of my head."

I entertained him with complaints about my head for a few more minutes before the ambulance arrived. Complaining was the only thing I could do without thinking about what nearly happened. I was placed on a gurney and loaded into an ambulance. Nick had to wait for Cragen and IAB to arrive before he could leave. He had even kept my pistol for them.

Alex POV

I received a call from Nick Amaro at nearly 5pm. He was calm as he told me Olivia had been shot in the arm and busted the back of her head open. Nick, also, told me she should be just fine. I guess I was too worried to believe him. He told me she was taken to Bellevue. I remembered to grab my purse as I headed to the hospital to see her.

I didn't drive. I took a cab because that was faster than finding my car. I arrived at the hospital and was pointed toward an area of partitioned areas. I found her laying on a gurney. She was alone and looked like she was asleep. I sat on the only chair in the cubicle and waited. I studied her for a few moments. She was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It amazed me that I could think that even while she had an IV in one arm and bandages around her head. The blood soaked hair and clothes weren't a deal breaker either.

She opened her eyes and looked around until she found me. "Did you come here to stare at me?"

"I thought you were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you."

"I can't sleep, head hurts too bad."

"I'm so glad you're going to be alright," I said dumbly. What was I supposed to say to someone who just took a bullet while trying to find my stalker. I felt the tears well in my eyes.

"I just hope I'm better sooner than later," she said with a small smile. "Alex, don't look so upset. I'm ok."

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this happened. I didn't want you to get hurt over some asshat painting my door."

"It's ok. Besides, I didn't get shot because he painted your door. I got shot because he didn't want to be caught after he painted your door."

I wiped my eyes on a tissue from my purse. A doctor walked in and smiled at me. He turned to Olivia and said, "Detective, how are you feeling?"

"I've been better, I guess."

"Head still hurting?"

Olivia nodded and the doctor said, "I want to keep you overnight. You do have a concussion but it isn't too bad. Lower spectrum of the Glasgow scale. Everything is looking good right now but you will have a headache for a few days."

"It may look good but it doesn't feel to good," she told him irritably.

"Over the next few days," he continued, "you will probably keep the headache and feel some nausea. Maybe a little vomiting and vertigo." I realized she was feeling pretty awful when she didn't complain about needing to stay. She just accepted it without an argument.

"A nurse is just outside and she will take you upstairs to a private room. Oh, sensitivity to light is normal. That's why we are giving you your own room. If you want the lights off, you won't have to worry about another patient. However, a nurse will have to wake you up throughout the night."

"I doubt I will be able to fall asleep anyway so I won't complain."

"Detective, we can't give you any very strong painkillers for a few more hours. I'm sorry about that. I don't want to give you something that masks any complications."

"Ok, how about some ibuprofen? Can I have that?"

"Yes, I will add that to your chart," he said as he reached for the chart hanging off the foot of the gurney.

After he left us, she looked at me and said, "Alex, I appreciate you coming to see me but I know I'm not good company. You can go home if you want."

"It's alright with me if you aren't good company. I don't mind being here."

Her eyes drifted shut and I watched her until the nurse came to move her. I followed behind the gurney as she moved through the hospital. She didn't say much for the next few hours. I texted Casey to let her know Liv's condition. All of the SVU detectives came in later in the evening. Flowers were delivered. It was a long evening.

I went home at 11pm. I was supposed to return to pick her up the next morning at 8am. I volunteered for that when the nurse asked her about needing a ride. I moved around my apartment feeling numb. I knew she was hurt but I couldn't help but worry about how indifferent she felt about my presence.

Finally, I picked up my laptop and moved it to the couch. I went to my kitchen and fixed a glass of wine then returned to my couch. I sat with my laptop for awhile before I began looking at my pictures. I replaced my laptop every year but I kept a growing album of pictures on a thumb drive. I looked at them for awhile before I started sorting some of the ones I liked the most.

Before long, I had separated most of the pics of Liv and I. I started moving them to another file. After I did that, I went to a pharmacy website then ordered double prints of them. I didn't actually have many photographs from the past few years. Once I quit using film, I quit having any pictures printed. I had a few empty photo albums so I figured I could put one together for me and one for Liv.

I got to the hospital to pick up Liv and I was early. We waited in her room for nearly half an hour together. Amaro had brought in the clothes she was wearing. She looked a little pale and seemed uncomfortable with her arm in a sling. We were waiting for the doctor to come in to give final instructions. He finally arrived with a big smile.

"Ok, Detective. I've already signed off on your release but I want to discuss a few things beore you go. You need to stay home for at least 5 days. Your head should be feeling much better by then. Your arm, however, is a different story. The bullet did miss the bone completely but the bullet took some muscle off the tricep area. You will need physical therapy for that. That puts you returning to work on Monday morning. Go to your family doctor in seven days to get your stitches removed. The arm and head stitches can come out the same day."

Olivia nodded and the doctor continued, "Keep everything dry for the next day. No baths, showers only after 24 hours. I want somebody with you to wake you up tonight. Not every hour but every other hour should be fine."

"I can do that for her," I offered.

"Great. You need to ask a few basic questions. Ask what day is it or which month. Birthdates are good too. Just a few questions and then she can sleep. Olivia, I want you to come back if the headache gets worse. You can expect some dizziness but if it becomes unmanageable, you will need to see a doctor. Call an ambulance if you notice any numbness, slurred speech, or fluid coming out of your ears."

She made a face and said, "That's gross. Anything else?"

He gave her a sympathetic smile and said, "Quiet activities for the next few days. Avoid anything strenuous. No running or bouncing. I'm not going to say bed rest but it would be a good idea. And that, ladies, is all I have. Any questions for me?"

Neither of us had any questions so I helped Liv off the bed and into the wheelchair. A nurse came in and pushed Liv through the hospital. She sat with her while I went to get my car. I drove her to my apartment. She didn't even argue with me. I ushered her into my bedroom because she always commented on how comfortable my bed was.

The day went by slowly. I checked on her twice while she napped. I read part of a book and played solitaire. I was fairly lonely but I didn't want to leave her alone. I woke her up for a late lunch and she was hungry. I fed her grilled cheese and she went back to sleep. Usually she was a pain when she didn't feel well, this time was totally different.

Late in the afternoon, I woke her again. I needed her to eat again and it was time for her pain medication. I walked into my bedroom and realized she had turned on my lamp at some point. I sat on the side of the left side of the bed and she rolled from her back to face me. She gave me a little smile and took the pills I offered. I handed her a glass of water and she finished the glass in a few gulps.

"Alex, I don't think I can sleep anymore. Do you mind if I join you in the living room?"

I couldn't help but smile, "Of course, you aren't a prisoner here."

She slowly pulled herself into a sitting position and I helped her stand. We walked into the living room together and she sat on one end of the couch. I sat on the other end after I had turned off the overhead lights and switched on a lamp. We both knew television wasn't a great idea for a couple days and reading required too much concentration.

"What would you like to do, Liv?"

"I don't know." She didn't speak for a few moments and I watched as she began to cry. Initially, I was worried about her concussion but then she said, "I thought he had shot me in the head. I was laying on the floor and I was convinced he had because my head hurt so much more than my arm. I keep seeing that door thrown open and then it's like I'm pushed backwards."

I moved next to her on the couch and put one arm around her. She leaned into me and then I wrapped my other arm around her. I wish we could have stayed like that forever. She had stopped crying quickly but stayed in my arms. I just held her. Slowly, I pulled her with me to the middle of the couch and then I stretched out on the couch with her head on my chest.

We spent the next hour on my couch together. She cried a few times and I held her while she did. I knew how it felt to be shot. I also knew how it felt when I realized I came close to dying. I had never taken a life before. She had that to cope with also. I had always thought she was strong. I realized then, even the strongest people break sometimes.

She sat up slowly and asked me, "Alex, can we just have pizza for dinner?"

"Sure, Liv, whatever you want is what we will have."

She gave me a smirk and said, "Maybe I should get shot more often."

I shook my head and laughed at her, "Please don't. I worried enough yesterday."

"You thought you were watching me sleep. That's so creepy," she teased.

"Nah, I used to do that. Yesterday, I was staring at your hair. It was puffed on top from the bandage. It made me think of those sweatbands from the 80s."

Liv laughed and I dialed the number for the closest pizza delivery. I ordered a large pepperoni. I went into the kitchen and pulled two plates out of a cabinet. I began setting my table and added a bottle of Sprite and two glasses to the table. I returned to the couch to wait with Liv. She was calmer now, more at peace.

We ate quietly. I could see she was tired and I didn't want to bother her. I cleared the table and rinsed our plates. I put the leftovers in the refrigerator. I turned to see Liv sitting at the table yawning. I couldn't help but smile as she fought to stay awake. I helped her stand and walked her back to bed. She didn't even try to argue. Once she was in bed, I pulled out my night clothes and turned off the lamp.

I wanted to sleep in my bed with her. I don't think she would have objected but I couldn't bring myself to join her. I showered in the guest bath and returned to the living room. I spent another hour reading a book and then I pulled a throw over me for a nap. I wasn't going to get comfortable in the guest bedroom because I was going to be up soon enough.

 _ **So, closer but not quite together.**_


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Olivia POV

Alex was a sweetheart to take care of me last night. She even held me when I was upset. I couldn't believe I was out in the open in that hallway. I couldn't believe I let that happen. Oh well. Alex even put me to bed after dinner. She thought about the dizziness and helped me stand up a few times. I hated needing help but I couldn't turn it down, either. Earlier, she helped me get my things together for a shower. I guess I had left a few things at her place before we split up because clothes appeared that I hadn't seen in years.

I showered and washed my hair. I didn't want to go anywhere but I had to go into work and speak with IAB. Cragen called me yesterday and scheduled this interview. He did say everything was looking good. I dressed in the clothes Alex had found and she drove me to my interview. It was so bright outside. Normally, I don't care for sunglasses but today I wasn't enjoying the sun. Alex walked me in and then left after explaining she had an errand to run. I was to call her as soon as the interview ended.

The Rat Squad Kind, Tucker was there to interview me. I've disliked him for years. I didn't want to be questioned but it was a necessary evil. We went into an interrogation room. He set up a voice recorder and a camera. I felt more resentful.

"Detective Benson, do you understand why you are here today?"

"I'm here today to explain what happened two days ago in Brian Mitchell's apartment."

"And who exactly is Brian Mitchell?"

I sighed and said, "He was an individual we wanted to speak with about a vandalism at ADA Cabot's apartment earlier that morning." My head started to pound.

"And why had you fixated on Brian Mitchell as the vandal?"

"We had security footage from both ADA Cabot's apartment complex and the DA's office with an individual matching Mitchell's description."

"How did Mitchell even get identified as a possible suspect?"

I hated Tucker. "ADA Cabot saw part of the footage from her building. We printed out a frozen frame from that footage. It wasn't very clear but she said she did remember somebody who wore his hat backwards."

"Detective," he said with some condescension, "plenty of young men wear their hats backwards. How did Mitchell get drug into this?"

"She remembered speaking with a man who matched the photograph. She couldn't remember specifics but she remembered him making some off color remarks toward her. Later, I pulled the security footage for the areas around her office the night before. She called me that night and asked me to come to her office. When I arrived, she explained she believed somebody was in the building with her."

"Don't people work late in her office?"

"I searched but didn't find one person. When I pulled the footage, I was able to see a man walking around outside of her office. I rode the elevator up to her floor that night, I guess he realized it was stopping there and ducked into the mens' room. When I was in her office, he went down the stairs. The security guard I spoke with was able to show me this footage and he printed out one still of this individual looking up at a camera."

"When exactly did you decide it was Brian Mitchell?" I really hated him.

"Only when he shot me, not a moment before."

"Hold your sarcasm. When did you put a name with the face?"

"The security guard printed some color copies of the perp's face. I passed a few out and I showed one to ADA Novak, she recognized him as a witness prep she asked ADA Cabot to work with."

"And she just pulled his name off the top of her head?"

"No, she returned to her office to find a witness list. He was listed even though he wasn't used. She found his name and then brought me a piece of paper with his name and address. I called Detective Amaro and he picked me up. We went to Mitchell's home. I don't remember the exact address. We knocked, he answered. Amaro began to identify himself and Mitchell ran into the apartment."

"So you and Detective Amaro followed?"

"Yes, we followed. He went into a room at the end of a hallway and closed the door. I don't remember any other doors in the hallway. I was going down the hall first."

"And where was Detective Amaro?"

"I was facing the doorway so I can't be sure. I was getting close to the door when it opened. Before I could fire, I was thrown backwards. I felt pain in my right arm and at the back of my head. Amaro fired at the doorway but I guess he missed. I held my gun in my left hand and when I saw Mitchell, I fired a few shots."

"A few, Detective?"

"I'm not real sure, 3 I think. Mitchell fell. Amaro kicked his pistol away and called for a bus. He checked Mitchell for a pulse. When he came over to me, he said Mitchell didn't make it. He wrapped my arm in a towel he found. He put another under my head."

"Were there any other occupants in the apartment?"

"Not to my knowledge."

Tucker glared at me and said, "Were you out to get justice for your girlfriend?"

I was angry but I wasn't taking his bait, "I don't have a girlfriend."

"Are you telling me ADA Cabot isn't your lover?"

"ADA Cabot is not my lover nor is she my girlfriend."

"Are you sure about that, Detective."

"Yes, I'm fairly sure."

"Where did you sleep last night?"

"Umm...at ADA Cabot's apartment?"

"With ADA Cabot?"

"No, I slept alone. She offered to let me stay with her because I have a concussion. My doctor said I needed to answer basic questions every few hours."

"You didn't ask Rollins or Munch?"

"No, I didn't ask anybody to stay with me or to let me stay at their place. She offered and I was in no position to refuse."

"I'm sure you didn't want to refuse that offer. Have you spoken with your partner since this incident ocurred?"

I ignored his jibe. "He stopped by the hospital. We did speak but not about the shooting. He was with our captain and Detective Tutuola."

"Detective, did you speak with any of your colleagues or superiors about this shooting?"

"No, I this is the first time I've seen them or spoken to them since they visited in the hospital," I told him.

"That's all I need for now, Detective."

I left the room and went to my desk. My head was throbbing and I wished I could just make Alex appear. I thought about taking a cab home but Alex wanted to help. I couldn't even lie and say I didn't need her help. I managed to text her. She said she was already on her way.

Rollins sat in the chair next to my desk. "Olivia, how long are you out for?"

"Don't know for sure. On Monday, I start light duty. I'm thinking about taking some vacation until I'm cleared by the doctor and IAB. I just haven't decided yet."

She smiled at me and said, "Heading south?"

I laughed and said, "Not sure. May just stick around here since I have to do some physical therapy." Rollins was nice but I hadn't decided yet if I liked having her in the squadroom. I knew she carried some baggage with her, I just didn't know what kind.

"Let me know if you need anything, ok?" She said politely.

"Will do," I said as I saw Alex making her way to my desk. She greeted Rollins and I stood slowly. I couldn't wait to be back in bed. Alex walked me out to her car and waited for me to get in the car. She closed the door for me. I just can't reach out for the door right now. A minute later, she's pulled into traffic. I watched as she drove me to her place. I didn't enjoy being injured but some small part of me enjoyed being taken care of by such a beautiful woman.

When we arrived at her building, she remembered to open the door for me. She stayed close as we walked to the elevator. She was so protective. I don't think I had ever seen that side of her. Once inside her apartment, I found myself walking straight toward the bedroom. I felt rude because I didn't say much on the ride to her place but my head hurt so bad. I sat on the edge of the bed to change into my shorts. I had my jeans halfway off when I saw the door open. Alex looked shocked to see me undressed.

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I just need to get some clothes when you're finished," she apologized.

"Alex, you've seen me undressed before. Besides, this is your bedroom. Would you prefer I take the guest room?" I knew it was a little late to make that suggestion but it was her place.

"Olivia, I don't care if you sleep in my bed or the guest room. I only care that you're comfortable and resting. Please feel free to rest wherever you feel comfortable." She told me this as she crossed the bedroom. She threw open the doors of her walk in closet. I saw her walk inside and she came out with a box. I was curious but too tired to pay it much attention.

Alex POV

I took Olivia to her interview with IAB. While she was busy, I picked up the photos I'd ordered a few days before. I picked her up and drove her home. She was so tired. I can't remember the last time I saw her look so weak. When we made it to my apartment, she went straight into the bedroom while I locked the door. I walked in on her changing. I didn't expect her to be undressed so I was fairly embarrassed.

I did get my photo albums from my closet while she changed. I went to the guest bedroom and began putting the photos into the album. I worked on both of them for a few hours. I was fairly certain Olivia would sleep for most of the afternoon. She did. After I put the albums together, I wrapped hers. Normally, I would never go through the effort but I felt like I owed her that much.

Olivia came into the living room at 5:30. I had already ordered dinner for us. It was due to arrive soon. She looked groggy and her hair was flat on one side. I could only smile because I knew from experience she was extremely irritable when she first woke. I started a pot of coffee. She sat on the couch without saying a word.

She smiled at me when I handed her the coffee cup. She sipped it cautiously. My breath caught in my throat as I watched Olivia with her coffee. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the love of my life. I couldn't breathe or speak. I left the room and went into my bedroom. I sat on the bed thinking of how she nearly died so recently. I held the pillow she used to my chest and cried as silently as I could.

I didn't hear her come in the room with me. I didn't notice her as I held onto that pillow. I felt the bed shift and an arm around my shoulders. She pulled me to her with her good arm. I laid my head against her shoulder.

"What is it, Alex?"

"I don't know. I was just watching you with your coffee. I've watched sip the first drink so many times. I just..." I sniffed, "I just realized how close I came to never getting to see you do the same little things I've watched you do for years."

"I'm here right now. I'm ok. Don't worry about what almost happened."

My tears had stopped, "I'm sorry, Liv. It's silly. I was just so overwhelmed by this fear of you getting hurt worse. I felt relieved, too. I guess I just hadn't processed everything and it hit me."

"Thank you, Alex."

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For caring. For helping me. For sitting in the hospital when I was feeling miserable. For ordering the chinese food that's getting cold as we speak."

I wiped at my eyes and stood. "I forgot I ordered dinner."

We left the bedroom and Olivia helped me set the table. We ate quietly and she helped me clear the table after we were finished. We went into the living room and Liv reached for the television remote. She found a channel and I sat at the opposite end of the couch. It was oddly domestic.

We watched television that night. As much as I wanted to beg and apologize and convince her of my love, I sat at the opposite end of the couch laughing at some insane show. I enjoyed it. Two days ago, she was shot. Two days ago, she could have died. Today, we watched some comedy and laughed like kids. During a commercial break, I excused myself to refill my wine glass. I picked up my gift on the way back and sat it between us on the couch.

She finally noticed the package next to her and looked at me with questioning eyes. I only nodded and smiled. She picked it up after she turned off the television. I was nervous as she opened it. Once the paper was off, she opened the photo album. As she looked at the first page, she smiled.

"I remember this day. You were so happy to have your new digital camera. This had to have been 10 years ago."

"Almost. I think we had all been working together for a few months," I told her.

"Remember when Munch demanded to have his picture taken with you? He even asked for a copy so he could put it on his desk."

She commented on nearly every picture. She smiled so much. She laughed about how her hair changed over the years. She seemed to remember so much about many of those pictures. I knew she liked it but more than that, I enjoyed her reaction to it. She was almost childlike. I was happy I did this for her when she found a few pictures of her and Elliot. I knew that wound was still raw but she deserved to have those pictures as much as the others.

"He looked so young. I miss him so much," she told me sadly.

"I'm sure he hates himself for what he's done to you. He probably just doesn't have a way to undo it. It's hard to just reappear," I said softly. She smiled at me and nodded.

After we looked through the album, she yawned and stood. I just thought she was about to go to bed. She reached down with her good arm and grabbed my hand. She pulled me into a standing position. She stepped closer to me. She leaned in, kissed my cheek and I put my arms around her. We stood in my living room holding one another for a few minutes. She let go of my shoulders and slid her arm down my arm to catch my hand in hers. She started walking while pulling me along with her.

Once we were in the bedroom, she said, "Alex, you told me to make myself comfortable while I'm in your home. I think I would be more comfortable if you would sleep in your own bed. I think I would also be more comfortable if I slept in your bed with you."

I changed into my pajamas and slid beneath the sheets. Olivia slid in across from me. We laid facing one another. She reached out for my hand with hers. A million thoughts raced through my mind but I couldn't voice one of them. I could barely make out Olivia in the dark. I could just see enough to know she was watching me.

"I didn't say thank you earlier. Thank you, Alex," she whispered.

"You're very welcome. I'm just glad you liked it."

"I love it. I knew you had taken pictures over the years but I never thought about asking to see them. I'm so glad you shared them with me."

"I should have shown them to you years ago. It just never occurred to me."

"I'm sorry, Alex. I owe you this apology and plenty of others," she said quietly.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I was wrong when I ended our relationship. I was still so hurt and I screwed up. I was still holding things against you. I should have let those go but I didn't. I'm sorry."

"I deserved it," I admitted. "I wouldn't even consider admitting my feelings for you to my friends for such a long period. When I finally tried, I expected you to just go along with me. I didn't think to consider your feelings. Maybe, I should have spoken with you more instead of just assuming I knew what you wanted."

"I felt like we were almost starting over at Christmas but then you wanted me to live with you in your home. It seemed sudden except it wasn't. It was just sudden for me to think of changing my life. I had almost given up on us living with one another. I had been asking you to change your life, I wasn't used to having the shoe on the other foot."

"I understand, Liv. I just want to be with you. I don't care where I live or where you live. I would prefer to live together. If I get to come home to you, home could be anywhere you wanted it to be. I love you."

"I love you, Alex. I don't care where we are either, as long as I'm with you at the end of everyday. I'm not sure you could live just anywhere but I know I could."

I propped myself up on the bed and studied her for a moment. I couldn't help but smile as I leaned down to kiss her. Her lips felt like home, soft and warm. We kissed for so long that night. We pulled apart for air and Olivia said, "I just don't care where it is, as long as I can come home to you."

 **The End**

 **I figured I would just wrap it up. I felt like it was getting a little too long winded. Hope everybody enjoyed it. Thanks for all of the follows and reviews, those have made this story worth writing. Thank you for reading it.**


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